From an unknown Internet Source, via Rob Perch:
The Zodiac
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 19)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over. People think you are stupid.
Pisces (Feb 20-Mar 20)
You have a vivid imagination and often think you’re being followed by the C.I.A. or F.B.I. You have minor influence over your associates and people resent you for your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to small animals.
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 20)
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick-tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are not very nice.
Taurus (Apr 22-May 20)
You are practical and persistent. You have dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull headed. You are a Communist.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bi-sexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing incest.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people’s problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you never make anything of yourself. Most welfare recipients are Cancer people.
Leo (July 23 – Aug 23)
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are known thieves.
Virgo (Aug 24-Sept 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This Nit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall asleep during sex. Virgos make good bus drivers.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 23)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. If you’re a man you are possibly a queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent. Most Libra women are good prostitutes. All Libra’s die of venereal disease.
Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 22)
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpio people are murdered.
Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 21)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarius are drunks or dope fiends. People laugh at you a great deal.
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don’t do much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still too long as they tend to take root and become trees.