As most of you know, the Major League Baseball regular season ended on Wednesday. What this means is that most Fantasy Baseball Leagues are now over and that as usual, I dominated. You should know that for the third year in a row, my team–Gay Bar–once again finished in first place, adding nearly $150 into Rachelle and my retirement fund.
It’s tradition in these leagues that at the end of the year the winner posts a message to all the other league members. This is my post:
Dear Fellow Members of the Cheap Seat Drunks Fantasy Baseball League:
I am awesome.
Again, I have won. Like a beautiful thief in the night, I slit your throats. You should have seen it coming, because I always win, but you did not. You are sheep, and I want to thank you all for being the pitiful competition that you are. It was a joy to steamroll you this year, as it always is.
I would also like to thank the Lord, for all glory is his. What the Lord gave me is good. Praise Jesus for he gave me a mighty brain! It is a powerful instrument! My brain can assess hockey talent with the greatest of precision without even really having to watch any hockey. My pigeons, my very humble opponents, you study and study and fret and fret, yet year after year you fall short! Why?! Don’t think about it, for it matters not. The world is vast, mysterious and full of wonder, and I am incandescent with talent, while you and you and you, are not.
You are losers.
By definition.
You are long commutes to jobs that you hate while I am a sexy car wash and a super-model tickle fight on the way to glory.
I finished in first place and once again, you did not.
You are paying me money because I am better than you.
You do this of your own free will.
You are suckers.
See you next year.
Michael Murray