On occasion I like to answer some of my fan mail.
Today is one such day.
******************************************
Dear Michael Murray:
You’re a writer and a genius, so perhaps you can help me.
Recently I’ve been feeling a little bit invisible in the world, and earlier today I had what I think the ultimate emasculating experience.
My wife and I have four cats and they’ve recently all been terrorized by a neighbour’s cat who keeps beating the shit out of them. I was talking with the owner of the cat (a woman around 70) about this and she seemed entirely unwilling to do anything about it. Actually, she seemed rather proud of Faust’s behaviour. If this wasn’t annoying enough, while talking to her, her German mother, who must be about 90, came out of the house, took one look at me and said, “You look so gentle, this must be very hard for you.”
Michael, I don’t want to look gentle.
I didn’t have a clue what to say and as I stood there the oldest woman said to her daughter, the old woman– as though I was invisible– “Look at him, he is too gentle, he cannot deal with the Faust.” And then she took her daughter inside, leaving me standing there with a handful of Dumbledore’s fur (that I had brought over as proof of a recent beating) in my hand.
What the hell can I do to reclaim some of my manhood?
The Invisible Man
Dear Invisible:
Reclaim some of your manhood?
It might be too late for that.
This is a dire situation. You said that you have four cats, and any amount over two is cause for grave concern. And the fact that your cat is named Dumbledore, suggests all your cats have names culled from fantasy literature (Gandalf, Doctor Who, Bella, etcetera.) and this is very grim indeed. (Just so you know, if you have any ferrets in your house, you are likely subject matter for a documentary.)
But I want to help, so first of all, stop worrying about the cats. They’ll figure things out. That’s why they fight. Their fights are like little United Nations meetings, only with claws, tails and hissing.
What you need to worry about are the elderly German women–they’re your problem, Invisible.
If I were you I would smear these women by spray painting a Nazi swastika on their garage one night. Obviously, this will spook them. Who knows, they might even have secrets, given their age!
At any rate, it’s imperative you act concerned about this horrible vandalism and let them know that you will stop at nothing to find out and PUNISH those responsible. Offer your army of cats to serve under Faust, their Alpha cat. They will all be guard cats, with a strict line of command leading from Faust to you. You, Invisible, will be the General in this war. Faust will die in a mysterious accident, one of your cats, say Dumbledore, will rise to leadership and the vandalism will then stop. You will have proved your worth, your cat will become Alpha, and a small shred of your manhood will be restored.
You’re welcome.
Michael Murray