As many of you know Rachelle and I have been moving from our apartment in the east end of Toronto to one in the Annex part of the city, one that we actually used to inhabit just over two years ago. It’s a happy move, this, but it’s been a very hard one, and between packing up the old place and setting up the new one, we’ve been at it for over two months. As such, it’s been an incredibly stressful time in our lives, and over the duration I’ve noticed a distinct change in my dreams. What follows are some of the dreams that I’ve been having:
Rachelle, Heidi and I are in a dryer. It’s very, very hot in there. We’re tumbling and tumbling and tumbling and we can’t get out. The dog won’t stop barking.
I am a successful video game designer. I’ve created a brilliant first person shooter game that takes place in Ikea shopping stores called Ikeadeathaganza!! At first you have to kill people using your bare hands, but as you accumulate points and strength, you acquire Ikea products with which you can kill. Just as this game was about to hit the market my company was hit with a massive lawsuit and I was fired.
I am naked and bleeding, lying on our new red sofa. Birds are pecking at me. The dog is barking.
I am an astronaut and I am returning to Earth after a long mission in space. When I land I discover that the planet is now ruled by Apes, and that humans are slaves used exclusively to help our Ape Masters move. The Ape Masters have atrocious taste, and due to my good design sense I am elevated from the ranks of mere slave and become a celebrity plaything within their culture. This incites jealousy within the ranks and I am put in stocks and pelted with bananas.
Rachelle and I are painting the living room wall. We’re both sobbing. Friends come over and tell us to toughen up but we can’t stop crying. The dog prefers their company.
Rachelle and I are selling many of our possessions on Craig’s List. People are calling, texting and emailing me constantly. They are canceling, they are changing the time they are coming or they’re bringing friends and family to help them make decisions. Before I know it there are hundreds of them, all in the apartment and I’m struggling madly to make tea for everybody but I just can’t keep up. A man finds me crying in the backyard and asks me if he can buy the dog crate for $50, I tell him no, that it’s priced at $75. He then says, “You know what I will pay $75 for? A kiss.” And then we start kissing. After he leaves I’m ashamed and embarrassed. I’m straight and I love my wife! I don’t know what to do so I go and stand in the giant armoire that we just had built. (I actually woke up, curled amidst Rachelle’s sweaters, in it the next morning.)
I am in the apartment at my new desk and suddenly teeth start to fall from the ceiling and walls. I hide in a moving box. The dog is barking madly.