As most of you are now very well aware, my fantasy baseball team—A Fury of Pigeons—is off to a very poor start this season. There are a number of reasons for this, but mostly it’s due to incredible sucky performances from two key players: David Ortiz and Lance Berkman.
As times are tough and I have a lot of our savings invested in the success of my fantasy baseball team, I have taken the dramatic action of directly writing the two malingers on my roster, in the hopes of motivating them.
Dear Mr. Ortiz:
Take some fucking steroids, you dipshit!
Everybody else is doing it but you, and you’re just sitting there, getting older and fatter by the game! Come on! Man up!! Are you frightened of getting a little needle in your ass?! You stand up to 100 mile an hour fastballs, what’s a little needle? Nothing! It’s nothing! Now stop with your selfish, “oh-what-about-my-health-bullshit” and take some motherfucking drugs. You have ZERO home runs this year. ZERO. People are depending on you, you fat suck—get your shit together!
Bitch.
Sincerely,
Michael Murray
Dear Mr. Berkman:
My name is Timmy and I have a cough.
I am eight years old and my doctor says that I might not live to be ten. Sometimes, this makes me sad, but most of the time I am happy for the sun and my dog—Lance Barkman– and my favourite baseball team The Houston Astros. When the machines are on to clean my insides, Daddy and I sit and watch the games, and it brings me such joy to see you, my favourite player, hit home runs.
The doctor people say that my chances are not good, but I am a fighter, and I know that if you can turn your season around and become the MVP, then I can turn my season around, too.
I feel the coughs coming on now( Mommy says it is God tickling my lungs) and must go, but please, I ask you to please turn it around and hit well, for me, your biggest and bravest fan, even though I am only 38 pounds.
Timmy
PS: My chair has wheels so I can go fast!