Since starting this Blog, I’ve been accorded an incredible amount of respect and authority from the world at large. It’s not at all uncommon for me to receive dozens of letters daily, each one asking for my advice on some matter. I’m only too happy to help out, as I feel it’s my duty to share my gifts with the world. With that in mind, I’ve decided to do a sort of mailbag, in which I answer questions from my legions of fans. I’d like to start this off with a query from Mega-fan Elizabeth Tevlin from Ottawa, who wondered:
“Who the hell gets cruise control for their ride-on mower?”
Dear Elizabeth:
You sound like a hater.
A jealous, jealous hater.
And a bit of a loser. A bitter loser.
You might still be renting an apartment in a student ghetto, but not everybody else on the planet is. Some people have actually gone out into the world and made something of their lives. Some own property. You might have seen some pictures of people like this in magazines, you know, the people you draw little horns and fangs on, and then tape to your refrigerator door, the one that reveals only the stench of loneliness and a few soy sauce packets when you open it.
Cruise control for a ride-on mower is absolutely essential for those of us who have a lawn that needs to be cut regularly. Elizabeth, it’s the only way to ensure an even cut for the entire, expansive lawn, as shifting speeds tends to give given the property a “choppy” look. It’s not an indulgence, but a practical necessity, like a job.
Furthermore, it’s key to have heated seats on the mower, in case you have to cut the grass at night when it might be chilly, and have some sort of air conditioning available for the hot days. I also have an HDTV flip screen and a surround sound system that drowns out the unpleasant noise of my ride-on mower engine, which, I should add, is as powerful as a Corvette.
It’s the way of the winner, Elizabeth.
Anyway, I thank you for writing, and encourage you to keep buying your lottery tickets and betting on the dog races, because you never know, a person like you might just get lucky.
Keep chasing your dreams, Elizabeth!
Thanks for writing!
Michael Murray