As many of you will have already heard, my Yahoo Fantasy Hockey Team—A Fury of Pigeons—is utterly dominating my league. It’s not even close.
You should know that I wasn’t “invited” to become a part of this league, but was randomly assigned to it when I signed-up to participate in a Yahoo league. I think that the reason I never get invited back to leagues to defend my crown (I always win), is because people hate winners. Sure, people have cited my “racist taunts” as inappropriate behaviour for the league, or my groundbreaking strategy of sending viruses to opponent’s computers, as “unsportsmanlike,” but that’s obviously just a smoke screen. All of my previous opponents, whom I have crushed without mercy, are a bunch of losers who live in loserville, and sick of losing, exclude me from their leagues.
What. Fucking. Ever.
Anyway, this year I was assigned to a 12-team league called The Orangeville/Kiruna Project. As usual, I’ve been intimidating and demoralizing my opponents with my spirited trash talking and am once again in first place.
However, this morning I received a letter from a Miss Watson, who claims to be a third grade teacher at a school in Orangeville. She claims that her class is involved in a joint project with another grade three class, this one located in the town of Kiruna, Sweden. According to her, the kids from both classes are operating this pool together as a sort of project, in which, acting as pen pals, they get to learn about each countries “unique culture, via our shared love of hockey,” and that my addition to the league was a mistake. She goes on and on and on, but to make a long story short, she wants me to drop out of the league!
As if!
Just because they’re a bunch of kids—soft kids—that doesn’t mean that I should take the foot off the gas pedal! These kids need to learn some tough lesson about life, and one of those lessons is that there will always be winners and losers in this world, and the sooner they understand that, the better. Miss Watson wrote that Mr. Ljungberg—the Swedish grade three teacher—told her that little Halvard (who only has players whose names begin with “H” on his team) has been having nightmares and has been wetting his bed, ever since he started to read my posts on the league message board. Well, if Halvard can’t stand the heat, then he should get out of kjitchen, or however the stupid Swedes spell that.
Look, I skipped grade three, and now that I’ve been given the gift to return there and dominate, like I so clearly would have in the past, I’m sure as hell not going to give it up.
Game, on, bitches!