As many of you know, Mr. Peanut, the taxidermied squirrel that I gave to Rachelle as a gift, has been missing since Halloween. We had VERY generously lent Mr. Peanut to our “friend” Jillian, so that she might incorporate him into her lame-o costume. Two days later, we heard from Jillian, telling us that Mr. Peanut was “confused” and that she thought he might be happier with her, than he had been with us. She even provided us with a series of photographs of Mr. Peanut out in High Park.
At any rate, it’s been a very, very trying time for us, as Mr. Peanut is a valued and loved part of our family, and losing him would be a trauma from which we might not recover. Does Jillian care about this?
No.
No, she does not.
At any rate, she has not been responding to any of my phone calls, text messages or shouts from the street, and I fear that Mr. Peanut might be involved in a hostage situation. At this point, the police are unwilling to get involved, and so, with limited options, I have taken to papering the streets with LOST TAXIDERMIED SQUIRREL posters.
LOST TAXIDERMIED SQUIRREL!!
Have you seen me?
My name is Mr. Peanut and I am lost and scared!
On Halloween, I followed a very bad person named Jillian, whom I mistakenly trusted, and am now in great peril and missing my excellent family, including Heidi, my dog sister,
Paul, my Impala brother,
Hazel, my bird Aunt,
and Rachelle, my human mother who makes me peanut piazza.
If you see me—taped to the handlebars of a bicycle, in a window, glued to the hood of a car, or on top of a hat—please don’t hesitate to intercede on my behalf, as I am powerless to fight my captors!! All that is needed for evil to prevail in this world is for a few good people to stand by and watch. Please, don’t be all big city about this, help me in my time of need, and return me to my loving family!
BIG REWARD!!!
–7 Mr. Big chocolate bars from Halloween
–2 cans of Heineken
–a selection of excellent stickers
–a globe ( many of the nations on the globe no longer in existence)
–a box of unopened Fisherman’s Friends for the upcoming Flu season
–a used Neti-Pot
( some items subject to negotiation)
Please Call 416-***-**** or email Michael at fromagreatheight@hotmail.com