On Tuesday night, I went to the Walkley Road Bowling Alley, with some naïve and cowardly friends who had asked me if I would help teach them how to become better five-pin bowlers. (A teaser for my instructional video will be available soon on YouTube)
Without incident, I was able to instruct these people on proper five-pin bowling footwork for a couple of hours before the place shut down for the night. As my friends are kind of stupid and unaccustomed to the culture of bowling, they all packed up and left, heading off to their cars, while I, armed with a tray of beer, sat about waiting to field questions from my pupils.
The details of what follows are unimportant.
What is important is that I stood up for justice, and when the three stooges who worked there told me that I had to leave, I refused.
Elizabeth Tevlin, sensing that some trouble was brewing, came in from the parking lot to see what was going on, and what she saw was me– Michael Murray– fighting for freedom. The evil-doers who worked there, having taken all my beer away, were now trying to get me to wait outside for the cab they’d called for me, so that they could take off to Torpedo Johnny’s Sports Bar for last call. As it was -30 out, I refused. Thinking that I now had Elizabeth’s support, I began to chant:
THE PEOPLE, UNITED,
WILL NOT BE SO BLIGHTED!
But Elizabeth was cowardly and did not join in with the chant. Instead, she shared a smoke with the thugs, before turning to me and saying, “Jesus, Michael, “and then leaving.
After the morons who worked there found out I cancelled the cab that they called for me because it didn’t have a GPS, things got pretty heated. The three boys, now nearly men, formed a triangle and began to move toward me.
Time slowed as I assumed my Martial Arts stance.
The one boy who looked like he was trying to grow a mustache, rushed toward me from behind, and using the Zen philosophy I learned from my good friend action star Steven Seagal, I allowed him to twist my arm behind my back so that he thought he was in control of the situation. I then employed my Freedom Cry, in which I emitted a high-pitched scream that tends to disorient and alarm my enemies, and pretended to fall down.
Just as I was about to unleash the “Fury of the Pigeon” and decimate my opponents, it would seem that my leadership inspired one of my bowling students. Elizabeth came in from the cold, and after sighing, said, “ Listen, I’ll drive him home, okay? Let’s just end this pitiful spectacle, alright?”
And of course, getting a drive home was my plan all along.
The Master imparts yet another lesson to his pupils.