The Pandemic Zodiac:
Sourdough (Formerly Aries)
Sourdoughs love to be number one, so it’s no surprise that these energetic go-getters are the first sign of the zodiac. Bold and ambitious, Sourdoughs dive headfirst into even the most challenging situations, like homeschooling a child, trying to manage a stoned spouse, or contemplating the bleak, ruined landscape that lies before all in the After Times.
Clorox Wipe (Formerly Taurus)
Have you ever been so busy that you wished you could clone yourself just to get everything done? That’s the Clorox Wipe experience. This contagion sign is so busy they don’t know if they’re compulsively washing their hands raw or binge watching Too Hot To Handle. Slow down, Clorox Wipe, enjoy the quarantine!
The Droplet (Formerly Gemini)
This airborne, often sneezed sign enjoys relaxing in serene, bucolic environments surrounded by soft sounds, soothing aromas, and succulent flavours. A dreamer and natural empath, many Droplets are unemployable and live off their parents money until they die.
Martial Law (Formerly Cancer)
Those born under the sign of Martial Law tend to have a dual nature. They can be either strict rule followers or unpredictable, angry anarchists. ML’ers are the most likely of your friends to try to burn down a 5G tower or report neighbours who are not engaging in proper social distancing. Most of them have brain disease of one form or another.
Isolation Psychosis (Formerly Leo)
This sign is represented by the symbol of a person who has clawed their eyes out of their face. Their intensity is admired and feared throughout zodiac. Vivacious, theatrical, and passionate, The Isolation Psychotic loves to bask in the spotlight and celebrate themselves. Until they don’t, at which point they will go on a murderous rampage.
The Dry Cough ( Formerly Virgo)
The Dry cough is logical, practical, and systematic in their approach to quarantine. They’re perfectionists at heart, always well-prepared and will always be the first of your friends to have a YouTube video at the ready to prove face masks are actually alien parasites here to feed off your head-energy.
The Zoom Meeting (Formerly Libra)
Zoomers are fixated on balance and harmony. They’re obsessed with symmetry and strive to create equilibrium in all areas of life. Inevitably, they’re irritating, almost entirely useless and very hard to be around.
Bill Gates ( Formerly Scorpio)
Bill Gates is one of the most misunderstood signs of the zodiac. Because of its incredible passion and power, people born under the sign of Bill Gates are often mistaken for psychotic pedophiles who want nothing more than to control the world and all the people in it, however the truth is that BG’s derive their strength from the psychic, emotional realm and are at their happiest colouring aquatic scenes.
The Allergy Terrors (Formerly Sagitarrian)
An allergy terror is on a quest for knowledge. The last airborne sign of the zodiac, The Allergy Terrors, launches its many pursuits like blazing arrows, chasing after geographical, intellectual, and spiritual adventures as if the lies of the media.
Vitamin D (Formerly Capricorn)
Those born under the sign of Vitamin D are reliable, warm-hearted and determined people, however, they can sometimes be inflexible, resentful and possessive. Out of vanity, many will dye their hair, and in spite of their robust immune system, Hydroxychloroquine will not work on them.
The Secret Drunk (Formerly Aquarius)
The Secret Drunk is an intelligent, versatile and lively person, but on the flip side, they can also be tense, cunning and inconsistent. They tend to be compulsive FaceBook posters, and will always be scared, confused and at odds with their peers. Lucky number 4.
Pornhub (Formerly Pisces)
Those born under the sign of Pornhub are courageous, creative and sensuous people, however, they also tend to struggle with being bossy, self-righteous, disloyal and totally, completely addicted to sex. Unable to abide the lockdown, many were lost during the first wave of the pandemic.