The Apocalypse

The other day while walking the dog down the street I paused to take a sip of water. As I did so, a squirrel fell from the tree and landed dead, directly at my feet. It was an utterly shocking moment and I immediately began to text my wife, Rachelle.

These are the text messages I received back from her:

The Apocalypse?
It’s happening right now?
I don’t think so. It’s just unseasonably mild.
Oh, I see, squirrels are raining from the sky.

 

It tried to die on your head?
And it was huge?
A sort of monster squirrel.
I see.
Calm down.
Calm down, sweetie.
Have a sip of water.
Did you eat any of those brownies that were in the freezer?
Are you sure?
There’s pot in those brownies, you know?
Well, I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to eat them all, that’s why!
Michael, squirrels die.
It’s part of God’s plan.
And the reason it was so big was because it’s mild out and they can’t hibernate so they just keep eating.
He probably fell into a diabetic coma and fell from his branch.
Or had a heart attack.
No.
NO!
NO!! Do not try to resuscitate him! Do not try CPR!
It was his time!!!
He’s with Jesus now!!
They’re eating acorns together!
It’s beautiful, they’re bathed in light and everything smells like flowers.
You’re poking it with a stick?
Is he moving?
Well, that means he’d dead.
Yes, that’s true.
You do have many enemies.
I know you think somebody is stealing your New Yorker from the mailbox.
I know.
I know.
Yes.
You are powerful and many are out to get you.
Yes, likely by dropping dead squirrels at you from the sky.
That makes sense.
You think you need to learn to protect yourself?
Well, I would suggest buying a gun.
Yes.
And you could wear a cape and shoot all the squirrels your enemies throw at you out of the sky.
It would probably get optioned into a movie.
Tom Hardy could play you.
You two are dead ringers, it’s true.

Will you pick-up the dry cleaning please?
I don’t think you’ll be haunted by a ghost squirrel.
No.
No.
Look, if there is a ghost squirrel it will just make the movie better.
The ghost squirrel will be like a side-kick.
Tom Hardy and the ghost squirrel bring justice to the world and defeat their magazine-stealing enemies.
When do you see your therapist again?
It feels like it’s been a long time.
Okay.
Gotta go.
Good luck avoiding the squirrels.
You’re a very brave, little man!
Love you, xxoo Rachelle.