According to Rachelle, I’ve been talking in my sleep an awful lot lately. As far as I know, I’ve never been a person who’s done that before, and this sudden emergence of “Somniloquy” is troubling.
Rachelle said that when I first started to do it, she tried to wake me up, but that proved unsuccessful. Since then, she’s just listened, with occasional attempts to enter into conversation with me (which really freaks me out). She has been keeping a list of some of the more memorable things I’ve said on a notepad on her bedside table.
1. Look, I know I look good in corduroy, but (indistinguishable mumbling) and if it’s not God’s will, then it’s not God’s will. (And then, growing agitated) No! I won’t hear another word about it!
2. The mouse spirit is very strong in here. We should leave!
3. Me: Miss Scarlet Johansen! And so we meet again!
Rachelle (pretending to be Scarlet Johansen and attempting to engage me in conversation): I’m a dirty, no talent whore who smells like a cat.
Me: Oh! Hey there, Miss Natalie Portman, glad you could make it to my party, too!
Rachelle (pretending to be Natalie Portman): I have a canker the size of a peanut in my mouth.
Me: You’re very pretty, Nat.
Rachelle (pretending to be Natalie Portman): You’re very lucky to be with a woman as beautiful and kind and patient as Rachelle.
Me: Yeah, sure I’ll lift that chair, Natalie, but first I better take off my shirt.
Rachelle: WAKE UP!! MICHAEL, WAKE UP, YOU’RE MAKING A FOOL OF YOURSELF!!
4. You’re very sadly mistaken, because I only fall down when I mean to.
5. ¡Y entonces el día vendrá cuando tengo mi venganza sobre los hombres de dios, y una oscuridad terrible descenderá como un capote!
6. I could throw the ball further if I wanted to, but I’m not a showboat.
7. No, I’m not a turtle, I’m a man, but I do have some turtle skills.
8. I fly fast.