Going to the Urban Dog Fitness Center is kind of like going to a petting zoo. It’s a 7500 sq. ft. facility, and on certain days, you can pay $4 and let your dog charge about a huge rubber-floored gymnasium with about 50 other dogs. For Rachelle, who has the purest love of animals that I’ve ever come across, this is a kind of paradise. She just plops down in the middle of it all, and sitting cross-legged, welcomes every dog there into her arms.
And so, on a rainy Sunday, we took Heidi, our Miniature Dachshund, down to burn off some energy.
Our dog, like many, is entirely singular in her focus. She exhibits virtually no interest in other animals, wanting to do nothing more than play fetch. And so, as Rachelle sat and basked in the glow of animal love, I played fetch with our dog.
Soon enough, I noticed some dude sitting on the floor beside Rachelle. I went over to see what was going on.
Me: “Hey.”
Rachelle: (Blushing) “Oh, hi.”
Handsome guy: (Calling to his dog) “Venido aquí, Colin Firth!”
Me: (To Rachelle) “ Is that guy speaking German?”
Handsome guy: (To me) “ I’m sorry, sir, I didn’t mean to be rude, I was just calling to my dog–Colin Firth– in Spanish.”
Rachelle: “ Michael, this is Javier, he’s from Madrid—it’s in Spain, Michael– and he was just signed to play for the Toronto FC soccer team. He’s a striker.”
Me: “I used to play soccer in high school.”
Handsome guy: “Yes, I bet you tried very hard, but it is a very different game now than in the 50’s. ( To Rachelle, in a musical kind of whisper) Usted tiene el pelo rubio más hermoso. Quisiera hacer-amor a usted en un tejado.”
Rachelle: (giggling) I don’t know what you just said!! (Blushing and giggling more)
Me: “ I didn’t play soccer in the 1950’s, it was the 80’s and I was a natural goal scorer.”
Handsome asshole: (now bouncing the ball I had been using with Heidi to play fetch, off his foot, knee and stupid head, as a small crowd of people gathered round to watch.)
Me: “I think Colin Firth is a stupid name for a dog.”
Rachelle: “He’s called Colin Firth because the dog was a gift from Colin Firth. Javier was his stunt double in a soccer movie and they became good friends. Don’t you think Javier and Colin Firth look alike?! Only Javier is younger. And more athletic.”
Me: “The name Javier is a cliché.”
Rachelle: “ Javier doesn’t know anybody in Toronto, so I said we’d have him over for dinner on Friday. Oh, shoot! That’s when your Fantasy Baseball draft is, isn’t it? I guess you won’t be able to make it! That’s too bad!”
Handsome asshole: “ I am so looking forward to dinner! We can take our dogs for a run on the beach, and then I will make for you my famous Paella!”
Me: “ Spain didn’t go very good in the Winter Olympics.”
Handsome Asshole: “ You’re grammar is funny, sir! Perhaps I need sub-titles to understand you? Rachelle told me that you are still unemployed, maybe you would like to help with the water for one of our games?”
At this point I picked up a ball that was lying on the floor and threw it at Javier. Unfortunately, I missed, and hit a woman that was sitting on a mobility scooter. She made a bit of a production of this, and as I was scrambling to get away from the women who had gathered around to watch Javier show off his “foot-magic,” and their dogs, I slipped on some poo and hit the floor pretty hard.
I don’t remember much after that point.