On Mother’s Day Rachelle and I drove up to Newmarket and had a top-notch brunch with her family. After the meal, we all went to a nearby park, where years ago, Rachelle’s parents used to take their 4 daughters to feed the Canadian Geese. It was a sweet thing to do– a kind of passing of the torch– for now it was Rachelle’s nephews and nieces, all under the age of 10, who thrilled in feeding the birds. With equal parts delight and terror, the kids would throw pieces of Wonder Bread at the animals, and then shrieking, run back to the safety of the parental pack, while the geese, with great wings flapping, chased after them honking.
I have to say, one of these geese had a real attitude problem.
He kept looking at me.
Hissing.
I didn’t know geese hissed.
It started to get on my nerves, this.
After about five minutes of this abuse, this particular goose charged right into me. It pretended it was just chasing after William– who had been feeding it and was hiding behind me– but I knew it was no accident.
I gave the goose a serious look and said something threatening under my breath. The goose, clearly the pack leader, measured me and then rose up, spread out its wings and hissed.
Startled, I might have retreated to the parking lot and locked myself in the car, apparently honking the horn in a “panic.” This could have happened. Not sure. The video that Rachelle showed me looked convincing, but it’s entirely possible that it was doctored, as the the children, who in the video were encircling the car and chanting, “ Scaredy Michael, Scaredy Michel!” sounded like a post-production addition, one that the ad company Rachelle works at could very well have added.
No matter, ultimately it’s not important. What is relevant is that as the undisputed Alpha of the Maynard clan, the person to whom all look for leadership, I disentangled myself from the complicated Japanese seat belt in the car, (I thought it was voice activated) and confronted the goose.
(The bird was actually much bigger in real life, at least 5 or 6 times, than it appears in this shot)I charged at the animal, but as I did so, I unfortunately slipped in a Scat Trap that the goose gang had laid for me. It was at this time that the goose, or a series of geese, in some sort of crazed Wonder Bread lust, started to peck at me in an attempt to steal the bread that I had in my pockets. This infuriated me. Fighting off the geese, I took shelter behind a tree, and began to throw pocket change at the them. I suppose I spent well over five dollars, but eventually the terrorist geese dispersed, and I had made the park, once again, safe for Rachelle and her family, who at this point, blind with terror, had fled the scene and gone to the Dairy Queen, where I later caught up with them.