Doug Ford, the Conservative Premier of Ontario, is known for many things.
He is the brother of Toronto’s late, fun-loving mayor Rob Ford, is the canny businessman who led Deco Labels, Flexible Packaging and Cannabis Dispensary to a top 12 business ranking in the greater Etobicoke region for three of the last five years, and is an avid hockey fan who coaches a Peewee team in Etobicoke. What follows is the speech Ford gave to his players between periods during a recent game:
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“Great moments are born from great opportunity. And that’s what we have here, today, boys. This game sits before us like an undervalued property waiting to be bought and turned into condos by an alpha businessman! Do we have the necessary capital to make the purchase? You’re damn right we do! Do we have our mortgage rate advantageously negotiated?
I can’t hear you!
I still can’t hear you!!
I. SAID. DO! WE! HAVE! OUR! MORTGAGE! RATE! ADVANTAGEOUSLY! NEGOTIATED!
That’s better.
You’re damn right we do!!
We have the best flipping mortgage rate in the entire city!
We have all the talent and all the character we need to take this game from the Tornadoes, we just need to stop playing like a bunch of goddamn Midwives out there! You’re were playing like little girl witches out there in the first period. Sweeping your sticks about like ladies with brooms instead of chopping with them like they were axes. It’s like we’ve been cleaning up after the Tornadoes, not dominating them, and the Deco Labels, Flexible Packaging and Cannabis Dispensary Devils don’t clean up after nobody!!
Jesus H. Christ.
Defranco, please tell me I did not hear you interrupting me with a stupid question asking what a Midwife was. I will bench your skinny ass. Don’t think I won’t. I would welcome the opportunity. You just try me, Defranco. I dare you.
Yeah.
That’s what I thought.
Not so tough now, are you, you pitiful little puck bunny.
Okay, now that Midwife Defranco got his question out of his system, we can get back to strategy. Boys, I want you to think of the Tornadoes as a greenbelt that we are going to raze in order to develop. We are going to chop those little bastards down. We are going to throw their nests from their trees and shit in their brooks. We are going to show them what it feels like to be developed by the Etobicoke Deco Labels, Flexible Packaging and Cannabis Dispensary Devils! We are going to bring the full might of the free market down upon their socialist heads!
ARE WE OPEN FOR BUSINESS?
YES!
YES, WE ARE GODDAMN WELL OPEN FOR BUSINESS, NOW LET LOOSE THE HOUNDS OF WAR, BOYS, AND TAKE THIS MOMENT AND MAKE IT YOURS!!!
]]>The other day while perusing the products of an online weed dispensary, a chat box opened and a support agent asked me if I needed any help. This is our conversation:
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Stacey: Hey there, if you have any questions regarding our products please let me know!
Me: I’m interested in knowing how you folks come up with the names for all the different strains. I always thought I’d be really, really good at that. Is there any chance I might be able to apply for such a position within your organization?
Stacey: The growers name the strains, so I’m afraid we’re not accepting any applications for that position.
Me: Nuts.
Stacey: Sorry.
Me: I had some really good ones.
Stacey: I bet you did.
Me: You know it! Listen to these… Mystic Space Owl! Howling Cheesie Attack! Electric Light Orchestra!
Stacey: Those are pretty good, but I’m pretty sure the last one is the name of a band from the 70’s.
Me: Really? That doesn’t sound right.
Stacey: Google it.
Me: Sweet Jesus, you’re right! They must have been an amazing band, look at that hair! And the satin, too! Just stunning. I would give it all up if I could look like that. I really would.
Stacey: And speaking as a person who’s spending time chatting on a weed web site in the middle of the afternoon about job opportunities, what would giving it all up mean to you?
Me: I’m not sure. But it wouldn’t be weed. I would not give up the weed.
Stacey: We’re happy to hear that.
Me: I have a cat.
Stacey: Just one?
Me: Yes, his name is Admiral.
Stacey: Is that your duvet?
Me: No, it’s my mother’s.
Stacey: I see. Well, Admiral looks very cute.
Me: He’s a great cat, but make no mistake, I would give him up him for the ability to look like I was in ELO.
Stacey: Well, we must all walk our own path, I guess.
Me: That’s for sure! And let me tell you, I do walk my own path. Always have. I have to be me. Just the way I am.
Stacey: I’m sure you have lots of friends!
Me: And just because one of them might say you’re on the spectrum, that doesn’t mean it’s true.
Stacey: Are you high right now?
Me: No. You?
Stacey: No.
Me: Just a regular Wednesday afternoon then?
Stacey: Yep.
Me: Do you get sent a lot of dick pics?
Stacey: What do you think?
Me: I think that you probably do.
Stacey: Good guess. So, is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Have you ever seen a ghost?
( Stacey ends chat)
]]>Back in the early 90’s, while both of us were very stoned at a frat party in Montreal, we played a game of ping-pong. Let me tell you, playing ping-pong while high is just about the funniest thing you can do in the entire universe. I don’t care what dimension you’re talking about. It is a blast. This is the conversation I had with the young man who would later become the Liberal leader of Canada:
Me: Does your father sleep with a lot of models?
Justin: He dated Christy Turlington for a couple of months.
Me: She’s in that George Michael video Freedom! Sexiest video ever!! Did you ever see her changing or anything?
Justin: No.
Me: Rip-off. Sometimes you just gotta ask yourself what the point is of having a dad who’s the Prime Minister.
Justin: He’s not the Prime Minister! It’s been like a century since he was in office!
Me: I think he is.
Justin: No way!!!
Me: You’re not very informed, you’re very weak on policy.
Justin: Are you high? I am really high.
Me: Totally, and I can’t believe Claudia Schiffer is engaged to David Copperfield. He’s creepy. It’s like his eyes never move.
Justin: Do you remember how to serve in this game?
Me: I don’t think you do serve.
Justin: What do you do then?
Me: I need to think for a second.
Justin: Oh, I know, you just bounce it over the net! (throws ball into net)
Me: You have to do it again.
Justin: No!! It’s your serve now!
Me: Swerve? What does that mean?
Justin: Serve!!!
Me: Stop switching between French and English, you’re fucking me up!!
Justin: Just throw the ball!
Me: (throws the ball)
Justin: (swats at ball, like a cat, with his open palm)
Me: You’re supposed to use the paddle!
Justin: Are you sure? That doesn’t feel right.
Me: This is the longest ping-pong game in the history of ping-pong.
Justin: I know, it’s like we’ve been playing for days.
Me: It’s an endurance sport. Who invented it, was it the Egyptians?
Justin: I think they made the balls out of scarab shells and papyrus paper.
Me: The Egyptians were so fucking cool.
Justin: What’s the score.
Me: It’s 9 to 3 for me.
Justin: Right.
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