<\/p>\n

Shia LaBeouf is the owner of one of the more absurd and pretentious names in Hollywood. Whether it was the burden of an \u201cI\u2019m Special\u201d name that helped shape him into the apparent asshole he is, or whether it\u2019s actually his native asshole capacity that keeps drunkenly asserting himself, is immaterial. What matters is that he keeps getting beaten-up in bars. Earlier in the month he got his ass handed to him by some dude in Vancouver, and it wasn\u2019t the first time this sort of thing has happened to him, and it seems unlikely that it will be the last.<\/p>\n

http:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Dff_KSFPLBs<\/p>\n

Naturally, this got me to fantasizing about beating up a celebrity of my own. Driven primarily by my own inadequacies and jealously, I\u2019ve always wanted to punch-out the stars that Rachelle, my wife, burns for. This means Clive Owen, Colin Firth, Daniel Craig, Bill from \u201cTrue Blood\u201d and Hugh Jackman, amongst others, and of this ever expanding list, I think I would most like to pummel Colin Firth. I\u2019m a little bit afraid of the other ones, to tell the truth, and Firth, with his cascade of hair, self-effacing charm and the general ambience of dignity that emanates from him, really has it coming.<\/p>\n

Pow!<\/p>\n

Right in his perfect mouth!<\/p>\n

Broken teeth and blood everywhere!<\/p>\n

That would be fun.<\/p>\n

I figure that everybody has a celebrity that they\u2019d really like to beat-up, and so I started to ask some of the people in my neighborhood.<\/p>\n

The tiny, bird-like girl at the take-out counter at Ruby Eats:<\/p>\n

Girl<\/em>: \u201cCarrot Top!\u201d<\/p>\n

Me<\/em>: \u201cHe\u2019s had it coming for some time.\u201d<\/p>\n

Girl<\/em>: \u201cAnd Barbra Streisand!\u201d<\/p>\n

Me<\/em>: \u201cShe thinks she\u2019s better than you and she\u2019s not.\u201d<\/p>\n

Girl<\/em>: \u201cShe has a better voice and more money, so maybe she is better than me.\u201d<\/p>\n

Me<\/em>: \u201cShe\u2019s old, it\u2019s her time.\u201d<\/p>\n

Girl<\/em>: \u201cAnd Ann Coulter!\u201d<\/p>\n

Me<\/em>: \u201cHow would you like to beat her up?\u201d<\/p>\n

Girl<\/em>: \u201cWith a brick, I think.\u201d
\nTheo, the owner of the convenience store under our apartment:<\/p>\n

Theo<\/em>: \u201cI have never liked Mel Gibson. If he came into my store I think I would throw him out.\u201d<\/p>\n

Me<\/em>: \u201cWith an ax? Would you throw him out with an ax?\u201d<\/p>\n

Theo<\/em>: \u201cNo! That\u2019s crazy, I\u2019m a peaceful man, I would just throw him out, not kill him.\u201d<\/p>\n

Me<\/em>: \u201cHave it your way.\u201d
\nElsa, the 60 year-old crossing guard:<\/p>\n

Elsa<\/em>: \u201cI\u2019m not going to answer such a stupid question.\u201d<\/p>\n

Me<\/em>: \u201cCome on, just imagine you could give some star a good whack with that crossing sign you\u2019ve got. Who would it be?\u201d<\/p>\n

Elsa<\/em>: \u201cTom Cruise has never fooled me.\u201d<\/p>\n

Me<\/em>: \u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d<\/p>\n

Elsa<\/em>: \u201cYou know what I mean. I don\u2019t like people who hide things.\u201d<\/p>\n

Me<\/em>: \u201cSo, you\u2019d like to beat the truth out of him?\u201d<\/p>\n

Elsa<\/em>: \u201cYou\u2019re very strange, Michael, but yes, I would like to beat the truth out of him. Now do you want to cross or not?\u201d<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

A woman who looked like a stripper standing across from the strip club waiting for a bus:<\/p>\n

Woman<\/em>: \u201cI would like to beat-up whatever bitch is going out with Ryan Gosling.\u201d<\/p>\n

Me<\/em>: \u201cPeople Magazine says it\u2019s Eva Mendes.\u201d<\/p>\n

Woman<\/em>: \u201cShe\u2019s the one with the hot ass?\u201d<\/p>\n

Me<\/em>: \u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n

Woman<\/em>: \u201cI\u2019d kick her in the throat to get to Ryan Gosling. I tell you, you give me 20 minutes with that guy and I would have him forever.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ralph, 70 year-old handyman:<\/p>\n

Ralph<\/em>: \u201cCan I beat-up Disney? I fucking hate Disney.\u201d<\/p>\n

Me<\/em>: \u201cSure, you can take on the Disney empire. Why do you hate Disney so much?\u201d<\/p>\n

Ralph<\/em>: \u201cHave you ever been?\u201d<\/p>\n

Me<\/em>: \u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ralph<\/em>: (Shaking his head) \u201cI don\u2019t know why a mass murder hasn\u2019t happened there. It\u2019s the very first place I\u2019d choose for a shooting spree, and I would start with the mascots. Goofy would be the first to go, what a useless dog!\u201d<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Rachelle, my wife:<\/p>\n

Rachelle<\/em>: \u201cThe Devil.\u201d<\/p>\n

Me<\/em>: \u201cYou can\u2019t pick the Devil.\u201d<\/p>\n

Rachelle<\/em>: \u201cBut you said that Ralph chose Disney, if you let him go with Disney, why can\u2019t I go with the Devil?\u201d<\/p>\n

Me<\/em>: \u201cJust pick somebody from the entertainment industry, somebody like Clive Owen.\u201d<\/p>\n

Rachelle<\/em>: \u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n

Me<\/em>: \u201cYou hate Drew Barrymore, why don\u2019t you pick her?\u201d<\/p>\n

Rachelle<\/em>: \u201cNo, I\u2019m sticking with the Devil, although if Drew Barrymore and her irritating voice were to get in an accident, well, that would be alright.\u201d<\/p>\n

Frank, a regular at the dog park I\u2019m friendly with:<\/p>\n

Frank<\/em>: \u201cArmed with a golf club, I would wade into an episode of \u201cJersey Shore\u201d and just start swinging. There would be blood and hair product everywhere. I would not stop until every last one of those knobs was dead. And yes, I mean the girls, too. They\u2019re giving Italians everywhere a bad name, and giving everybody else a license to make fun of them. They have to go.<\/p>\n

Amanda, owner of the children\u2019s toy store downstairs:<\/p>\n

Amanda<\/em>: \u201cZooey Deschanel. I\u2019m not buying what\u2019s she\u2019s selling.\u201d<\/p>\n

Me<\/em>: \u201cBut she\u2019s cute and quirky and can sing!\u201d<\/p>\n

Amanda<\/em>: \u201cIf you made me, I would go through you to get to her.\u201d<\/p>\n

Me<\/em>: \u201cYou would lose.\u201d<\/p>\n

Amanda<\/em>: \u201cYou\u2019re a grown man who regularly frequents a toy store for children. I would most certainly not lose.\u201d<\/p>\n

Me<\/em>: \u201cYour store is overpriced.\u201d<\/p>\n

Amanda<\/em>: \u201cThat\u2019s how I make money, you idiot.\u201d<\/p>\n

Atasha, bartender at The Real Jerk Caribbean Restaurant:<\/p>\n

Atasha<\/em>: \u201cThat Sookie Stackhouse chick from \u201cTrue Blood.\u201d She gets on my last nerve.\u201d<\/p>\n

Me<\/em>: \u201cYou mean Anna Paquin.\u201d<\/p>\n

Atasha<\/em>: \u201cNo, Sookie, the one who\u2019s always taking off her top. The stupid fairy who\u2019s so proud of her little titties.\u201d<\/p>\n

Me<\/em>: \u201cI know who you mean, it\u2019s just she\u2019s played by the actress Anna Paquin.<\/p>\n

Atasha<\/em>: \u201cOh, sorry, I got confused.\u201d<\/p>\n

Me<\/em>: \u201cAnyone else?\u201d<\/p>\n

Atasha<\/em>: \u201cDarth Vader. He\u2019s a bad man, that Darth. Oh, and Ricky Gervais, he\u2019s had a beating coming to him for a long time now. It\u2019s time somebody turned the tables on him.\u201d<\/p>\n

http:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Dff_KSFPLBs<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Shia LaBeouf is the owner of one of the more absurd and pretentious names in Hollywood. Whether it was the burden of an \u201cI\u2019m Special\u201d name that helped shape him into the apparent asshole he is, or whether it\u2019s actually his native asshole capacity that keeps drunkenly asserting himself, is immaterial. What matters is that […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"parent":0,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","template":"","meta":{"footnotes":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/750"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=750"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/750\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/michaelmurray.ca\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=750"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}