As Rachelle and I are extraordinarily popular, we’re invited out for dinner pretty much every night. As such, many people ask me for advice on how to compose a proper thank you to your hosts. With this in mind, I’ve decided to share a note I just wrote so that my fans might have a better understanding of how they should approach the matter should they ever receive an invitation out for dinner.
Dear Allan and Heather:
As I am classier than you can ever imagine, I have decided to WOW you by writing a brief note to thank you for dinner last night. It was good, but upon reflection I’ve decided to only award you a seven out of ten. Please don’t despair, for this is a very good score, and the fact that you didn’t really nail it, just gives you some space to improve for next time.
As I am helpful, I have decided to give you some tips as to how you might improve your score the next time you have us over.
1) Serve Prime Rib of beef. I understand that Heather is a vegetarian and that her daughter is some sort of Vegan, but I really like Prime Rib of Beef, and as it is very expensive, I don’ t have it very often. Remember, it’s not about you, it’s about the guests!
2) It’s inevitable that at some point during the evening Allan will start to go on about his lawn or his various theories on child rearing and managing employees. (I think it was about 9:30 last night, when he switched from wine to beer) This is boring for us. It would be considerate of you to provide us with an alternate entertainment source, such as video games. I prefer old 1980’s arcade games, while Rachelle likes the newer Wii stuff.
3) I couldn’t help but notice that I really didn’t have much opportunity (I felt I had to force it) to talk about how good I was at sports in high school last night. You should be attentive to this and always ask me questions about my sporting days, with particular interest in my tennis exploits and that catch I made in Little League.
4) Ice cream for dessert just tells your guests that you’re really not trying. You have to step up your game on this.
5) Gift bags. You don’t have to spend a lot of money on this, but it’s important that you show a little bit of imagination and let us know you’re trying. Something simple, like a couple of Starbucks gifts cards, maybe a CD and some candy would be sufficient.
6) If a guest offers to show you his recent surgery scar, even if it happens to coincide with dinner, you must enthusiastically accept, even if it’s still oozing a little bit.
At any rate, thanks for dinner, and know that we’ll look forward to returning, just as soon as you’ve stepped up your game!
Michael Murray