As many of you know, I’ve been engaged in a running feud with Canadian literary legend Margaret Atwood for quite some time now.

Typically, the landscape for this war has been social media and chance encounters in our shared neighbourhood of Toronto, but about a month or so ago my mother

turned up the weird by writing Atwood a letter of apology on behalf of my family (  http://michaelmurray.ca/my-mothers-letter-to-margaret-atwood ), as I had refused to so so myself. After a few weeks had passed without my mother getting a response, she wrote to Atwood again:

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Nov, 9, 2017

Dear Ms. Atwood:

Hi, how are you?

I am fine, but oh, my sinuses were just awful last week! I don’t know what it was, maybe a change in the barometric pressure or the wind, but honest to Betsy, I just wanted to climb under a rock and die! Even chewing gum was excruciating! It’s at such times when you really need a friend– just so you know that people care and that they’re grateful for all the little things you do for them, like sending hand-sanitizer because you don’t want them to pick up a nasty sinus bug like you did. By the way, did you get the hand-sanitizer I sent to you? I hope so, but you never know with the post office!

Have you got all your Christmas shopping done? I don’t even know where to begin, I’m still trying to catch up on all my cards from last year!

Oh, I think I hear Frito meowing!

That can only mean one thing—he wants his dinner, so I better go!

Yours sincerely,

Barb Murray

PS: In case you did’t know, you can now get a flu shot at Shopper’s so you don’t have to go through all the bother of going to a doctor’s office!

Nov, 13, 2017

Dear Ms. Atwood:

I know that you are a very important person and are probably very busy with your various hobbies and commitments, but that’s still no excuse for being rude! I don’t know how you were raised or what sort of morals you Hollywood types have, but where I come from you write a thank-you note if somebody sends you some hand-sanitizer. It’s just common decency.

I hope you remembered to buy a poppy this Remembrance Day. My father fought in WW II.

In the trenches. There was no hand-sanitizer there. Just death and foot disease. But my father endured all that hardship to help make the world safe for people like you, so I hope you always keep in mind the sacrifices he made for you.

I have been thinking a little more about my son’s behaviour toward you. It’s true that Michael has his issues, but I always taught him to be considerate. If you drop him off at a bar,  he will thank you, and if he gets a present, you can be sure he will send a thank-you note to the person who sent him the hand-sanitizer. Sometimes when he’s tired or anxious or hasn’t been attending his low carb support group meetings, he can get very crabby, so it’s crucial for him, and all of us, to maintain our routines (especially regular BM’s!) and get plenty of sleep.

Looking forward to hearing from you soon,

Barb Murray

PS: I have included an article that I clipped from the paper that I thought you might be interested in on Vitamin D. It’s very important that we get enough of it, especially in winter. Osteoporosis is a silent killer. I was a nurse, so I know.

PPS: Did you get many trick-or-treaters for Halloween? We only got two, and they were both teenage girls! And the way they were dressed, my Lord! I thought I should be handing out clothes instead of candy!

PPS: Do you have any children or were you barren?

Rachelle, my wife, had to work and was unable to make it. These are the text messages that she sent me over the course of the evening:

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Rachelle: Pickle, tell me, how’s dinner going?

Rachelle: Really? You’re giving it a C minus, maybe a D?

Rachelle: That’s strange.

Rachelle: Really? You’ve lost a lot of respect for the family?

Rachelle: Did they call you out for bringing half a bottle of wine again?

Rachelle: You have to stop doing that. It’s embarrassing!

Rachelle: It is.

Rachelle: No, I’m not embarrassing, you’re embarrassing.

Rachelle: Oh, I think I know what happened.

Rachelle: What did you wear out?

Rachelle: You wore your black turtleneck and that jacket, didn’t you?

Rachelle: I know you think it makes you look like Carl Sagan.

Rachelle: I know.

Rachelle: But I still don’t understand why you think that’s a good thing.

Rachelle: Look, I don’t hate the cosmos.

Rachelle: Or space exploration.

Rachelle: Just bad clothes.

Rachelle: Now come on, just tell me what happened.

Rachelle: Oh, sweet Jesus that’s hilarious!!

Rachelle: So, just before everybody was about to start dinner, Marston said, “Edgy Pastor, would you please lead us in grace?”

Rachelle: I love that girl.

Rachelle: No, she’s not full of herself.

Rachelle: She’s so clever, and she’s right, when you wear that outfit you do look like an edgy Pastor.

Rachelle: Yes, you do.

Rachelle: Yes, like some white dad who’s going to rap Genesis or something.

Rachelle: Oh honey, I would never get in the way of your relationship with God!!

Rachelle: There’s more?

Rachelle: Hannah said, “It looks like a jacket you mother might have bought you.”

Rachelle: It’s like that girl is my daughter.

Rachelle: And then she added, “At a store called For Your Son.”

Rachelle: “For Your Adult Son.”

Rachelle: Oh Lord!!! Tears are streaming out of my eyes I am laughing so hard!

Rachelle: And then Marston said, “And she paid for it with a coupon she clipped from a newspaper?”

Rachelle: Oh Pickle, you really are defenceless in the face of those girls!

Rachelle: So what did you do?

Rachelle: Oh.

Rachelle: Do you think that was a good idea?

Rachelle: Well, it’s just if you’re always pretending to have an asthma attack, people might not be very responsive when you actually do, that’s all.

Rachelle: See? I told you!

Rachelle: That is just too funny, I love that they all held hands and prayed for the edgy Pastor during your fake asthma attack!

Rachelle: Did you end up saying grace?

Rachelle: Well, I think you should have embraced the persona and rapped it!

Rachelle: Yes, your life is nothing but a series of missed opportunities.

Rachelle: Oh, I’ve got to go, work calls!

Rachelle: Well, my edgy, little Pastor, I’ll see you in two hours, may you walk with the Lord!