I spent the last week in a hospital wardroom in the Toronto East General Hospital. It was a Spartan and loveless space that contained three beds and little else. The only effort to decorate the room came in the form of a slightly whimsical patient questionnaire called MY STORY that had been affixed to the wall behind a sheet of plexiglass near each bed.
Presumably, the opportunity for such self-expression would be good for morale. It would give the nurses an opportunity to get to know the person that inhabited the body that lay before them, and it could help create a kind of energy chain, infused by the melancholy and optimism of all that filled it out, that would connect all the patients over the years.
However, it was clear that this well meaning project was almost entirely ignored, as I never saw anybody even so much as glance at one, and of the 50 or so that were scattered about my floor, only one had been filled out. This was by somebody who called himself Kesooni, one of 28 children. He had a cat named Princess, and he loved Las Vegas and show tunes. He was at his happiest when standing in the Cash Blast, and listed his job as “bringing people’s kitchens and bathrooms to life!” I imagined a newly arrived immigrant, somebody so enthused about the life he was building for himself that even from his hospital bed he saw business opportunities blossoming all around him.
This is the MY STORY that I filled out.
PEOPLE CALL ME BY Clive, like the virile actor Clive Owen, only in this case not so much, as I’m just a guy in the hospital named Clive.
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT ME: I’ve never had much upper body strength, but the Good Lord made me nimble and determined, like any good Scottish sheep thief.
MY PET(S) INCLUDE: Heidi, a 3 ½ year-old Miniature Dachshund who was the fastest dog in the entire GTA, until she got fat, on account of me being needy and giving her Kielbasa so that she would love me.
MY HOBBIES/INTESTS/ACCOMPLISHMENTS INCLUDE: In grade five I was Patrol of the week for seven straight weeks. This record has NOT been broken. I can also fill out a personal questionnaire while on Percocet.
MY LOVED ONES INCLUDE: Petal, the bright light of loyal love that is my life. This list is also defined by my family, who blessed me with a beautiful life, and to whose unbreaking love I ceaselessly return. And of course, my infinitely complex, inspiring, frustrating and beautiful friends.
I AM HAPPIEST WHEN I enjoying an Epidural. Man alive, I feel like I can fly when that’s taking a place! I could dunk in your face, motherfucker!
You think you want some of this? Come and get it!