As some of you may know, Rachelle and I went to the fancy-pants Toronto restaurant Colborne Lane on Saturday night. All sorts of complications have arisen from this, and with most disputes, the particulars are boring and petty to those not actually involved in the dispute. Suffice it to say, for the last four days there’s been a flurry of telephone calls and emails about the bill. This would be simple enough, but they mistakenly charged the entire meal to a friend of mine’s credit card. He’d just wanted to buy us a drink to celebrate our engagement. The GM proved contrary when I contacted him the next day, insisting that he would only take the charge of my friend’s Visa and transfer it to mine, if I consented to pay a 16.2% post-tax gratuity, which I didn’t want to do for a variety of reasons.
I had written to tell the GM that the decision to tip was mine, not his, and this is the correspondence that followed: (with some points edited for clarity)
Mr. Murray,
After reviewing the matter, including the actual wait time you incurred and the fact that it was you and Mr. XXXXX that created a confusing payment situation for my staff, I have decided that the service charge will remain.
And it is, in fact, my decision.
Take all the time you need to decide on how you would like the matter completed. There’s no hurry on our end.
XXXX.
GM:
You are clearly very powerful.
Like Darth Vader.
Or a ghost that can play the piano using only it’s spirit mind.
I don’t mind saying that I am now feeling rather intimidated, and it will certainly take me some time to figure out what to do.
However, as you have mighty, almost mystical powers when it comes to deciding things, I’d be willing to pay the full service charge you’re demanding if you could make a few decisions to positively influence my life.
Only three things, GM, and we are square like Happy Days!
Would you please decide to have my fantasy hockey team–A Fury of Pigeons–finish in first place at the end of this year?
Secondly, would you please decide to make the horrible dreams I have about rats emerging from dry ice to attack my loved ones go away? (I would really be in your debt if you could do that.)
And lastly, would you please decide to make my friend Parvinder happy?
Once you have satisfactorily made these decisions, and I have felt the impact in my life (verified by four people, including two of my lawyer friends) then I will pay the bill you sent to me, until then though, I am afraid that I will have to stick to what I understood to be our arrangement, and only authorize a payment of $XXX.XX.
You should know that once I win the hockey pool, I will have all sorts of money, and not only will I pay your demanded service charge, but I will buy you a fine scotch.
Just so there’s no hard feelings.
Stay gold, GM, you’re bringing light to the world!
Michael Murray
Mr. Murray,
Your humor is much appreciated, as I have no desire to make this anything but an easy matter.
The payment from XXXX has already been processed and received by the bank. Therefore, I cannot justify returning his money until you agree to paying the amount which you owe: the sum of $XXX.XX.
And just so that you are aware, the gratuity is 18.5% before taxes, 16.2% after taxes.
Please respond by authorizing the above amount.
With thanks,
GM
GM:
I think I was wrong about you.
Maybe you’re not like Darth Vader or a ghost that plays the piano using only his spirit mind.
It could be that you have more in common with the character that Mel Gibson played in Braveheart. (Can you believe that movie won an Oscar as Best Picture of the Year??!!) You know, you’re protecting Scotland (the servers of Colborne Lane) against English rule (Rachelle and I on our engagenment dinner). Heck, we were at your restaurant the night before Halloween. Perhaps you dressed up as William Wallace the next day? Man alive, that would be a crazy synchronicity that would really put this whole matter in proper perspective!
Last year Rachelle and I dressed up as H1 and N1 for Halloween.
Get it?
It was pretty funny, especially because we were actually sick. The year before I was a pigeon and she was a box of Spam. This year she was a sexy Hitler (but she really looked like Charlie Chaplin in The Great Dictator) and I was the Cookie Monster. We’re pretty good at the costumes, if I do say so myself. Next year I am going to go as a kind of Zen Garden tree with burnt marshmallows on it. It will be a prize winner, I think.
Forgive me for getting off of topic.
At this point, GM, I’ve pretty much forgotten the core of our conflict.
Was it that you wanted me to tip and I didn’t want to tip?
Maybe, we need mediation?
Perhaps we could go on Judge Judy or that Judge Joe Brown guy’s show? That would be classy. I would be sure to bring an impressive (but fake) sheaf of papers to prove my case and a few grainy cell phone snaps of the back of the Maitre D’. I think it would be exciting television, and excellent publicity for your restaurant, which is well known for the warmth and generosity it displays customers.
Take it up with the owner, and then get back to me, and if he refuses to bite, perhaps we could settle our differences on the floor hockey court.
Colborne Lane versus The Jesus Cobras. (Our coed Rec league team) If you win, I tip, and if I win, I don’t.
Good sir, I throw down the gauntlet!
TV Court or floor hockey!
And to end, GM, I will quote William Wallace from Braveheart, the movie that reminds me of you, ” I came back home to raise crops, and God willing, a family. If I can live in peace, I will. ”
Keep the light shining, GM, you warm the world!
Michael Murray
PS: I would like to invite the owner over for dinner in order to iron out this problem. Let him know I make a brilliant Cream of Hamburger soup.
This email led to a terse email from the General Manager informing Rachelle that the matter was closed and I was no longer welcome in Colborne Lane. He also refused my Facebook friendship request.
The next day, the owner of the restaurant– Claudio Aprile– called me, and very graciously apologized for the situation, voiding the bill from my friend’s credit card and allowing me to pay the bill without adding the tip that I thought was unearned.
It was just that simple.