I don’t normally do this sort of thing, but the other day I took one of those Facebook quizzes. You know the type.
What Harry Potter magical creature are you?
What Marvel Superhero are you?
How long would you survive in Zombieland?
That sort of thing.
The quiz I took asked, “What Disney Princess are you?”
I got Esmeralda from the 1996 animated movie The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
This is utter bullshit
Although I am feisty and love to bring the party to the people, as Esmeralda does, I do not have her emerald eyes.
Typically, my eyes are red, like beautiful, burning fires.
Also, the character of Emeralda is voice animated by Demi Moore
I have bad feelings about Demi Moore. She has never once bothered to thank me for any of the paper mache cars, that I have hand-crafted and been sending to her ever since I saw her in Ghost. Demi Moore is a bitch. Also, her voice resembles rust, whereas my voice sounds a little bit like the feeling you get when eating French toast on a sunny winter day. Demi Moore could never provide the voice animation for the princess that best resembles me. It would just be so wrong. (There is a reason that Bruce Willis dumped her.)
The Facebook quiz describes Esmeralda as “a beautiful, streetwise and talented gypsy girl who befriends Quasimodo and shows him that his soul is truly beautiful, even if his exterior isn’t.”
Let me break this down.
Beautiful.
Although I am very good looking, I am not “beautiful.” I’m only an 8 or an 8.5 out of 10. Sure, I could be a model, but probably not an elite underwear model, and to suggest that I’m “beautiful” is over-stating things. I’m just very, very good-looking, but not intimidatingly beautiful like a Swedish Vampire or something.
Streetwise.
I am also not streetwise.
I have repeatedly lost money betting on hopscotch matches that take place during recess at a local primary school.
Talented.
Well, I think it’s probably inappropriate for me to comment on this one.
But I will say this: I think I’m way more talented that Esmeralda. I mean, what does she do but run around in her bare feet and break into song? In some places they’d put you in a group home for doing that, not proclaim you as talented!!
You want to hear about some talent?
I have intentionally scored a goal using my head while playing soccer, have the high score at Galaga at Pietro’s Pizza in Ottawa, skipped grade three and am really very good at paper mache.
I spit talent.
But more importantly, I’ve had a long-standing terror of gypsies and simply do not understand how I could possibly “help Quasimodo understand that gypsies are good people.”
I would never do this.
I just don’t feel it in my heart.
I think that the Facebook application would have been much more accurate had it declared me Pocahontas, as I love wearing fringed jackets and like corn.