Yesterday at the corner store beneath our apartment, there was a woman standing in front of me at the cash. She was buying a red onion that was about the size of my head and a liter of chocolate milk.
“That’s quite the lunch you’ve got planned for yourself,” I offered.
She looked back at me, confused.
“I just mean what you’re buying. It could be what you’re planning to eat for lunch.”
“It’s not,” she said flatly.
“No, that would be a weird lunch, I guess, as would mine. I mean, I’d be having light bulbs and a 7-Up.”
She shook her head, and then angrily, through gritted teeth said, “You’re trying to pick me up, aren’t you? You’re one of those creeps that comes into the strip club all the time– never spending a fucking cent– and then pathetically coming on to the girls when their off work, aren’t you?” (A strip club called Jilley’s is right around the corner)
“Oh no! I’m sorry! I’m nothing like that! I’m not a strip club guy, and I’m not trying to pick anybody up!” I’m getting married in two weeks! I didn’t mean to be creepy and intrusive. Please forgive me, I was just trying to be funny, that’s all!”
At his point a man walked into the store. A neck tattoo man.
“Prince,” the woman said, “this creep is trying to pick me up.”
I could not believe that this guy was named Prince. Never in my life have I met somebody named Prince. I almost felt lucky.
“There’s been a misunderstanding,” I started, “ I was just trying to be funny, I wasn’t trying to pick anybody up. I’m getting married in two weeks!”
Stiffening his back and cocking his neck like he was trying to get loose, Prince asked, “Yeah, what’s his name?”
His lady burst out laughing.
“Prince is seven hundred times that man you are,” she said.
I shrugged, “Well, his name is Prince, so I would imagine so. My name is Mike. “
“ I wouldn’t even call my dog Mike,” Prince thought to say.
The woman glared at me, “ I know you were just staring at my ass the whole time I was at the cash. I could feel it. I have a sense for these things.”
At this point Tony, the owner of the store interceded on my behalf, “ No, no, Mike is a good guy. He didn’t mean anything by his remark. He says crazy things all the time. Once, out of the blue, he asked me if I ever worried about dying from an asthma attack! For no reason!”
The woman looked at me with wonder.
“I once had an asthma attack that nearly killed me, “ she said.
“That must have been scary,” I replied.
“ Had to drive her to the hospital, “ Prince added, “she couldn’t fucking breathe.”
“Hospitals are scary places, lonely places,” I said.
Prince looked at me, his eyes soft now, “I know, my mother died in one two days ago.” And when he said this, his girlfriend reached out and put her hand on his arm, and then we were all quiet for a moment or two.