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These are the text messages I sent to a friend of mine on the weekend:
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It’s the most gorgeous autumn Saturday I have ever seen in my life and I am in a traffic jam on the DVP on my way to Ikea with Rachelle and her mother.
We’re looking for storage solutions.
If Ikea was a country I would punch it in the face with bombs.
We are now in the parking lot of Ikeastan.
There are 20 million cars in this parking lot and it seems like they’re all circling around and around looking for that one mystical parking spot, as if hoping to see it emerge from beautiful Swedish mists.
The Bare Naked Ladies are playing on the car radio.
I hate the fucking Bare Naked Ladies.
I feel like I’m playing an Oldie’s version of musical chairs.
Only with cars.
Think Ikea should have own rapid transit system.
Should send you back and forth to store in tubes.
With lovely pillows and ear phones playing Sigur Ros.
Maybe with nice snack, too.
Should also have space program.
Ikeanauts.
I see them floating free in space, so beautiful with their Allen keys.
Now parked on the roof where the wind blows crisply.
Very cold up here. Surprising. Never know how to dress in the fall– weather so unpredictable!
Inside store people eat meatballs in cafeteria like consuming energy points in video game.
I am on the first level of this video game.
Millions of people in pursuit of treasure!
Must bypass kicking toddler level to get to magic storage solution!
Feel very low in energy points.
Probably need meatballs. But meatballs grey/green! Could be poison meatballs!
Toddlers kicking furiously.
Fortunate that my nosebleed seems to repel rather than attract them!
Free passage through hidden portal to Bulla Bulla section, where cushions are jumbled in bins!
Could be lucky break!
Playfully hit sales attendant with Alvine Spetsig cushion, but Golden Allen Key granting magic storage solution to does not appear!
Oops.
Seems sales attendant didn’t get my joke.
Explanation about pretending I was in a video game so I can maintain my sanity getting no traction.
She just used word “assault.”
When I ask her if I am guilty of “assault with a pretty pillow,” she smiles a little bit.
Hit her lightly with Benzy Land cushion, but still no Golden Allen Key!
Attendant has now transformed into monster troll!!
Sense of humour gone!
Calling for more trolls on headset!
Trolls everywhere!
Am trapped!
Apparently, if you’re playing Ikea and attendant gets hit in eye with cushion zipper while you’re trying to beat Golden Allen Key out of her, she will transform into troll and bring army of trolls upon you!
There is no escape from this.
Beware!
Life force now spent.