On Wednesday nights, when I have to attend court ordered Anger Management Training, Rachelle has very conveniently scheduled her recreational league basketball games. No, this is not sweet and considerate of her, but intentionally exclusive and hurtful. She’s made it clear, in a subtle but unmistakable way, that she does not want me playing basketball with her team, Me And Julio Down By The Schoolyard. Apparently, the competitive fire I bring to the hard court is considered “awkward,” “belligerent” and “embarrassing” by some of the losers on her team. Whatever.
Anyhow, without my leadership and playmaking abilities, her team is now 0 and 9, which serves them right. As fate would have it, last night, the final game of their loser season, happened to be the same night that my Anger Management Training class was canceled as Svetlana, our instructor, had a court date.
I decided to surprise Rachelle and her team, and show up at the game, where I would coach them to victory from the sidelines. They were playing against a team called The Happy Feet, who were comprised of a bunch of 6’5 dudes. Although they were physically strong, I could see that they were mentally weak, and so I decided to get into their heads by heckling them.
Their star player, a gay looking guy in red shorts, was tearing apart MAJDBTS with his outside game, and so I started to yell at him. “HEY, RED SHORTS, FAGGY RED SHORTS!! WHY DON’T YOU GO BREAK YOUR FUCKING ANKLE?! YEAH, AND THEN YOUR BOYFRIEND CAN BUILD A FLOAT FOR YOU OUT OF FLOWERS AND ROLL YOU ALL OVER TOWN! FAG!”
And I swear to God, about two minutes after I started up on this chant, Red Shorts twisted his ankle. It was awesome! Excited, I ran onto the court and started to shout, “IN YOUR FACE, IN YOUR FACE!! “ For whatever reason, the losers on MAJDBTS, did not see this as the golden opportunity it was to seize control of the game, and their pathetic little lives, but instead acted all concerned and apologetic, which was weak of them.
Like little kittens.
The game started up again, and just as I was getting into the head of another one of their players, I got a text message from Rachelle, telling me that CNN was reporting a UFO sighting out by the airport. I immediately left the loser basketball game, but when I got out to the airport, the UFO’s had already gone, which was a rip-off.