I’ve been pretty demoralized ever since the Tiger Woods scandal broke.
I thought he was THE MAN, and now I know that he is just a man.
I have taken down two of my Tiger Woods posters, (the third one, located in the kitchen, looks too good to remove, I think. Dude, looks awesome in red!!) and am seriously considering dropping out of his fan club and turning in my Tiger Cub badge.
Rachelle has been having a very hard time watching me mope so sadly about, and has been suggesting that maybe I get some counseling to deal with my hero’s fall from grace. However, as it’s the holiday season, most of my therapists are fully booked, and so Rachelle has suggested that I do a “Bible Dip” instead.
A Bible Dip is a Christian practice in which a person opens the bible, and randomly places their finger on a page. Whatever passage they happen upon, is their message for the day, a piece of holy wisdom that is to help guide them on their journey. You know, astrology for people who don’t wan to spend eternity in hellfire.
Well, even though I lead a pretty secular life, I thought I’d give it a try, and this is what God said to me:
“The tribe of Benjamin will be next. The leader of the people of Benjamin is Abidan son of Gideoni. 23 His division numbers 35,400.
All the men assigned to the camp of Ephraim, according to their divisions, number 108,100. They will set out third.
On the north will be the divisions of the camp of Dan, under their standard. The leader of the people of Dan is Ahiezer son of Ammishaddai. 26 His division numbers 62,700.”
This was of no help.
It struck me that perhaps I needed a more modern source for inspiration, and turned to Juiced: The Autobiography of Jose Canseco. Let me tell you, I relate more to Jose Canseco than Jesus Christ, and so I began to do Canseco dips.
Each day, until I have fully absorbed the word of Jose, and am able to deal with the truth that Tiger Woods, my great sports hero is in fact a philandering dong, I will randomly select a passage from Canseco’s autobiography to guide me through my day.
Day One:
“As long as I can remember, I’ve always loved cars—especially fast cars. So many baseball players drive sports utility vehicles now, rather than sports cars, but I don’t really understand it. If I had two weaknesses in my life, they would have to be fast cars and women.”