Yesterday, I wrote on my Blog about finding myself feeling abandoned and hopeless in the wake of the Tiger Woods scandal, and turning to the bible for some comfort and guidance. The random passage that I came across (this is known as a “bible dip”) was some sort of biblical census full of a bunch of complicated names and numbers.
God had let me down, I felt, and so I turned to Juiced, slugger Jose Cansceo’s autobiography, for the inspiration and guidance the bible had failed to provide.
Let me tell you, never have a received such a volume of hate mail.
I will provide you with a small sample of some of the email I received.
“Michael Murray, you are a heathen and God will eat your face!”
“Michael, I am very disappointed in you. Abandoning Jesus Christ– our Lord and Saviour– for Jose Canseco is a loser move, like trading draft picks for Phil Kessel. Michael, you are to Christianity what the Toronto Maple Leafs are to hockey.“
“And that no individual buys or he sells, right that the mark, or the name of beast, or his number of name. Here it is the prudence. You leave him that hath understanding you measure the number of beast: because he is the number of individual and his number are six hundred threescore and six.”
“You are lame, Mister Murray, very, very lame.”
“You think you’re funny, but you’re just sad, lonely and starved for attention and you are turning away from the one source where you might actually find solace and love. Michael, truly, I weep for you.”
“We used to be friends, but now I don’t even think I know you.”
There were another 50 or so letters, all along the same lines. However, there was one letter that struck a chord in me, one I will reprint in its entirety:
“Mr. Murray:
Sorry about your hero. However, in your bible dip, I think you’d have to admit that you’ve been given your “lucky numbers” and should start buying lottery tickets with 23, 35, 400, etc. in them.
I know you overlooked this because you are in deep mourning, but people often don’t see that God has answered their prayers because He doesn’t actually “strike them down with lightning.” That’s a party trick He retired long ago at a junior high dance when He was busy turning all the water into wine, and some of the guys were asking if he could turn it into “Hard Lemonade” instead, which is what their girlfriends preferred. It got ugly, there were a lot of lightning strikes and the smelled of singed hair was nauseating, apparently.
Nowadays, your messages from God are a lot more subtle: like when a safe falling from an upper level window narrowly misses you. Same with an anvil. Anyway, just be on your lookout for other signs and if you win a bundle on a lottery ticket, maybe you should give thanks by buying Jose Canseco a fast car or woman.”
I have no idea who sent me that letter, but believe it might be the voice of an angel.
And so, if I win the lottery using God’s picks, my faith in the bible will be restored, and I will honour it as the valuable gambling aid it is, but if not, back to Canseco.