Category: Blog

As many of you have no doubt heard by now, I was assaulted by a criminal while on my neighbourhood security patrol the other day. With the help of Rachelle, I have created a Wanted Poster which I have now pinned up all up and down our street. If you see this woman, do not…

Ever since our upstairs neighbours were broken into, a culture of fear has gripped the block. “It’s our own 9/11,” the jittery tenant from the basement apartment whispered to me. It was clear that I was going to have to do something. As I’m a born leader, and because I have some free time on…

  I’ve been told that the owner of the Korean Village Restaurant on Bloor Street was a big soap opera star back home. She often serves as hostess, and always has a lot of make-up on her face, giving her a very pale appearance, as if she was some sort of Kabuki master. When she…

Yesterday, Rachelle and I went to look at a house in Leslieville. It was on a street called Craven, which I had never been to before. It’s a narrow, well-shaded street that’s lined on the west side by a ramshackle wooden fence that slopes toward the road. The fence, which did not look like it…

Hey there eight minute dating people: I am writing to you in regards to the function you’re hosting at Vineyards in Ottawa later this month for 30somethings looking for love. The first question I have– and I mean this very sincerely– is whether this event is lame or not. When I get there will I…

The other day, from out in the backyard, my dog began to bark as if she’d just spotted a team of squirrel ninjas making off with her supper bowl. As I am fearless, I charged out into the backyard to do battle with whatever forces might await me. You see, our upstairs neighbour had just…

Orkin Canada Home Office 5840 Falbourne Street Mississauga, ON L5R 4B5 August, 09. 2009 Orkin Pest Control: Well, I’ve been doing some research on your web site, and it looks like I have fruit flies. I have to ask you, is it common for them to disrespect you, or do I have a particularly aggressive,…

The following poem is comprised of a bunch of the Facebook status updates of my friends and I. Found Facebook Poem Michael is armed with pencils, apples and matches. Michael is saying it for the last time–Billie Jean is not my lover. Michael is a loose floorboard. Michael is going to write a history of…

Abagail Fitzpatrick 67 years old In my dream I was trying to return a Burberry umbrella that didn’t work. The store wasn’t very busy and there were all sorts of staff present, most of them young women with too much make-up on. They were ignoring me and I was getting angry. I got the attention…