Rob Ford, the Mayor of Toronto, is a fiscal conservative. He’s a large, life-lovin’ kinda guy who likes football, drinking, getting angry and most of all the other things one might predict that guys who enjoy football, drinking and getting angry like. One of these things he seems to like to do is not really like the gays.
They’re just not his bag.
I think that they make him squirmy.
You know, eww!
At any rate, Toronto is full of the gays and each year there is a massive Pride Parade, one of the largest in the world, and typically the Mayor of Toronto attends, regardless of how uncomfortable he may look amongst the Go-Go boys, atomic water guns and piercings.
Not Rob Ford. He goes to the family cottage every July 1st weekend and will not bow to the moral or political pressure to attend. He’s his own man, and if he wants to be drinking beer while floating about a lake in an inner tube, then that’s where he’ll be, damn it!
That is where he’s going to be this year.
You should know that I used to drink with Rob Ford back when he was a student at Carleton University and was known as The Slobber. 
We were both last call regulars at a local bar and we became friendly in the way that only barflies can. Even though we never had a sober conversation, we became buddies, and in spite of the fact we haven’t seen one another in over 15 years, we still message one another when drinking alone.
At 1:18 in the morning yesterday I got this message.
Rob: Mur, you see what they do to the Oreo!?
Me: Slobber!!!
Rob: They dressed it up like it was a fairy!
Me: The Homoreo.
Rob: I don’t want my kids eating Homoreos!
Me: You won’t even believe what they’re thinking of doing to Cheerios!
Rob: An Oreo is an Oreo. White between black. You don’t tamper with that. It’s unnatural.
Me: You can’t play God with an oreo! But what about the free market? Shouldn’t the free market decide what’s right?
Rob: WE’RE TALKING ABOUT FUCKEN OREOS!
Me: Has the Cookie Monster come out on this yet?
Rob: HAHAAHA.
Me: Seriously, the Cookie Monster and Kermit have long been suspected of being gay. They might be behind this.
Rob: Yer fucken with me.
Me: Yeah.
Rob: If I was there I’d punch ya in the head! Hey, you remember Jennifer?
Me: The waitress?
Rob: Yeah, Jennifer the ass waitress, not Jennifer the tits waitress.
Me: She used to let us order two for last call.
Rob: I think about her, you know. Can’t find her on Facebook.
Me: Can you make trades for the Maple Leafs, you know, being the Mayor and all?
Rob: If I could, I’d make Jennifer my wife. Fuck she was hot. She was my favourite chicken wing.
Me: Are you sad, Slobber?
Rob: Yeah, it’s wrong what they did to the Oreo. The world’s changing around us, Mur, it’s changing fast—outta ice, be back in 2!
Comments
5 responses to “A Conversation With Toronto Mayor Rob Ford About Gay Pride”
I know a lot of people that ‘went’ to Carleton, specifically attending Oliver’s 101 Social Studies course….is that where I may have met said ‘Slobber’?? Interesting how I ended up in Oliver BC
Gaby–there are very strange and unexplainable synchronicities in this world, and it seems quite obvious that Oliver’s Social Studies class made a lasting imprint on you!
Not to be rude, but I feel I must correct an inaccuracy above. While there is every probability that the multilayered Homoreo would comfortably fit Mayor Ford’s mouth, I rather doubt his midsection could ever manage to fit “in” an inner tube. Though I wish him luck.
Slobber actually likes to stand on the dock and try to throw footballs through the donut hole in his inner tubes, which float freely in the lake, like a small, useless naval fleet.
Right. He’ll likely have better luck with that genre of naval fleet that with his his navel feat. Ummm Barrum bum.