Last week I wrote to professional baseball players Lance Berkman and David Ortiz in order to motivate them, as their underachieving performances were having an adverse effect on my fantasy baseball team, A Fury of Pigeons. I wrote Lance Berkman under the guise of Timmy, a sick eight year-old boy, and I wrote David Ortiz an aggressive letter using adult language in which I asked him to start using steroids. These are the responses that I received from the players:
Timmy:
You’re a hero.
Like the troops.
You and the troops are heroes to me, Lance Berkman, all-star first baseman of the Huston Astros and soldier for Christ.
I have instructed Team Berkman to pray for you, as they prayed for me when I twisted my ankle against the San Francisco Giants in that game that should have been called because of the rain. Let me tell you, Satan was present in my ankle that day! But by the power of the Lord, Lance Berkman was restored, and the devil was cast out of his ankle, just as the Lord can cast the devil out of whatever primary organs he is occupying in your frail, 8 year-old body!
“And Jesus said unto them … , “If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to younder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible to you.”
~Romans 1:17~
See you at The Rapture!
Team Berkman
PS: May the sword of Jesus smite the Iraqanians!
Estimado Imbécil de Michael que lleva vida del Imbécil de Michael:
¿Esteroides?
¡Ha!
¿Cuáles son usted, mil millones años? ¡Eso está ayer, hombre! ¡Usted toma hoy el HGH y le paquete de la sangre! Si usted apenas está tomando los esteroides, es como usted está llevando un pollo una lucha del cocodrilo. ¿Mi no casero funciona quizá tiene más a hacer con bajar de un ciclo y conseguir en más del golpear-asno ciclo nuevo y de la droga que hace con no tomar píldoras derechas, eh? Usted espera y ve. ¿De todas formas, usted es hombre muy grosero, y me pregunto cuánto dinero usted hace? ¿Usted está sin hacer nada y sueño de ganar la lotería? Gano millón de loterías del dólar cada mes. Dos veces al mes y yo tenga 20 coches. ¿Qué usted tiene una bici de tres velocidades, quizá un paso de los buss? ¡I cagó más dinero que usted!
Papi grande
* The translation of the David Ortiz letter, as executed by the web site BabelFish, can be found in the comments section.