Although I have absolutely no authority over my own dog, Heidi, a Miniature Dachshund, or any dog, I still think that I have an awful lot to offer the canine world. With this in mind, I have started an advice column for dogs, in which I answer questions from animals looking to negotiate the mystifying spaces between the world of men, dogs and nature.
Dear Answer Man:
Yesterday treat, today no treat.
Why today no treat?
Rusty
Rusty:
You ask an excellent question.
Many “masters” operate on a reward system, and will only give out treats if their dog displays some sort of obedience or subservience to them. I know that it’s humiliating and unfair, but if you want that treat, you’re going to have to just lie back and think of Lassie.
***************************************************
Dear Answer Man:
Cats evil.
Why cats in world?
Banjo
Banjo:
Oh, Banjo, cats are here in the world to remind us of what we could have been.
*****************************************
Dear Answer Man:
No understand.
Dig all the time.
Go in yard and dig, dig, dig.
Can’t stop myself.
Not know why.
Why dig? What it all about? Where Kiko going?
Kiko
Kiko:
It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. Don’t you worry, just keep digging, you’ll find what you’re looking for!!
****************************************************
Dear Answer Man:
When dinner!!??
Scooter
Scooter:
Unfortunately, dinner is dependent on your masters, and they will serve it when it’s convenient to them, which is usually around 7:00 pm.
****************************************************
Dear Answer Man:
What drink go best with chicken treat and what drink go best with meat treat? I think water go good with both, but poodle dog in park say must drink dirty water with meat treat, as it bring out earthy textures.
Dennis
Dennis:
The poodle is wrong and likely just trying to look more important and educated than it really is. Water is an ideal beverage for either meal.
********************************************************
Dear Answer Man:
Why my fart face master so stupid?
He couldn’t find ball if he were ball.
Think he smart, tell Heidi what to do, but dumb!!
Heidi
Heidi:
I think that your master is actually entirely brilliant and kind. If you were a smart dog, you never would have left your real name and photo, so that he can see that you’re a disloyal and disobedient animal who should have her fetch suspended and not receive any treats for a two-week period!
Bad dog, bad dog!!