As many of you might have heard, I’ve been asked to write an advice column–titled Mr. MIster– for an award- winning magazine in the New Year. Targeting girl’s aged 8-12, American Girl Magazine and Michael Murray are sure to be a success, one that will hopefully go on for many years.
Dear Mr. Mister:
I got a kitten for Christmas. I named her Bella and she is very pretty, but she’s quiet and hardly ever meows. What should I do to get her to talk to me?
Andrea
Age 8
Dear Andrea:
Bella, such a pretty name, don’t you think?
I once had a girlfriend named Bella and she was very quiet, too. Sometimes it just takes a person– or a cat– a little while to get comfortable before they start to open up and really become your friend. I found that my girlfriend (she was black, what colour is your cat?) really responded well to weed. For whatever reason, getting high made her really talkative and easy to get intimate with, so I’d suggest that you get your parents to buy some catnip that you can give to your Bella, and I’m sure you’ll have her purring in your lap in no time!
Dear Mr. Mister:
What’s it like to become a woman?
Rebecca
Age 9
Dear Rebecca:
Well, Rebecca, as I’m a man this will be a very difficult question to answer! You would have been better off asking me how to cheat at poker or find porn in a desert! Anyway, I will do my best.
When you blossom, your body changes and then you begin to like boys and then you marry one. Once this happens you will become fixated on something called “storage solutions” and all you will care about is taking all of your husbands most prized possessions (sports trophies,comic books, photos of ex-girlfriends, etcetera) and putting them out of sight.
It’s a bad trait, Rebecca, and you should fight hard against it. One option would be to like girls instead of boys, because God said this is a choice you have to make around 13. Good luck!
Dear Mr. Mister:
Why are all the birds dying? They fall from the sky dead! I’m scared!
Lucy
Age 9
Dear Lucy:
First of all, there are millions and millions of birds in the world, and this sort of thing has been happening for ages. It’s sad, but birds die.
There are also all sorts of possible scientific explanations, such as lightning strikes, high altitude hailstorms and the consumption of bad sunflower seeds, but science is funny. Everybody knows that this “Aflockalypse” is written into the Book of Revelations and the end times are nigh. Remember that lunar eclipse and the blood red moon? No, well, you might have been asleep, but it was one of the signs that the dark prince is riding his pale horse and we will all soon be dead. However, you shouldn’t let that scare you, as that means The Rapture is upon us, too, and that God will pull the believers up to heaven using his brain. If you are a Christian, and I’m sure you are, and a particularly type of Christian, (it gets kind of complicated) then you will be saved and live for eternity on pillows, but if not, well, you will soon be living in a lake of fire.