Earlier in the day, I got a desperate letter from a desperate friend—
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=546111396&ref=profile#/note.php?note_id=172433126335&ref=mf
–asking for my help in securing a date with Alec Baldwin for her. As I am generous and joyful of spirit, I have complied, and what follows is the letter I wrote:
Dear Alec Baldwin:
I read in some magazine somewhere (or maybe it was a web site?) that you were depressed.
Let me tell you, I have been there and done that.
It might sound pretty small to you, as you’re a huge star who has slept with many ladies, but I was utterly devastated when my curling rink kicked me off the squad. I know that my coughing (it’s a nervous habit that emerges whenever I’m under pressure) made it hard for them to concentrate, but I couldn’t help but take it personally! Alec, the next three years of my life were dark and difficult ones, and if it wasn’t for my discovery of a Fantasy Curling League, I’m not sure that I would have made it.
Anyway, I don’t talk about myself.
Why are you depressed?
I know that you’re in your 60’s now, and I guess you are kind of, well, meaty in the body, and yes, your brothers are morons who are always making fun of you behind your back, and yes, your daughter Ireland (Ireland? Did you name her when you were drunk?) hates you, and that you’ve never had that one great role that will define your career, and sure, you’re alone now and stuff, but you’re probably still rich, and that counts for a lot in America. (Oh. I guess you lost a lot of money in your divorce settlement with Kim Basinger. She was once considered the world’s sexiest woman. I bet you miss her, I mean, I know I would. )
At any rate, even if you lost all your money, you’re still a celebrity, and shallow women love celebrities. Alec, I think I know the perfect shallow woman to pull you out of your depression. Her name is Shelagh and she’s younger than you. I figure that you’d like her because she has a smart mouth like that Tina Fey person.
Shelagh is physically fit and has been vaccinated against the H1N1 flu. Sometimes, she puts up some pretty clever Twitter posts. She is a big fan of your work, and is able to quote entire passages from Pulp Fiction, which she thinks was your best movie. For Halloween she dressed up a sad ghost, with one lonely tear running out of the eye she drew on her sheet. It was a little spooky actually, as she didn’t go to a party or anything, but just stood on the corner—rocking a little bit—while watching all the families trick-or-treating.
Anyhow, she’s pulled all sorts of guys up and out of the blues, and I bet she could do the same for you, too! She’s going to be in Manhattan (well, New Jersey) next week, and I can arrange for you two go see Spamalot and then meet for a drink(s!!). No problem!
Alec, don’t thank me, as I’m just “paying it forward.” I can see the potential in you, and I ask that you see it in yourself, too, and that you take this opportunity and say yes to life, and say yes to Shelagh!
Sincerely,
Michael Murray
PS: Shelagh has 7 dogs—Stella, Heinken, Miller, Bud, Pabst, Pabst II and Whiskey Baby—that she travels with, so if you don’t like dogs….
PPS: Shelagh is a talented graphic artist, and is responsible for the lovely painting, which hangs in her kitchen, that you see below.