Astrological Forecast

Recently, one of my hobbies has been reading the stars. I would now like to share with you my astrological forecasts for all the signs for the upcoming week.

Aries March 21-April 19

Dear goat, you can’t allow your stubborn streak to get the best of you this
month. You must be gentle and receptive, understanding that there are two
sides to every coin, sometimes three. Wear yellow.

Taurus April 20-May 20

Dear bull, my friend, you work too hard. If you continue at this pace, I
fear an automobile accident may happen or you might have a quarrel with a
loved on in which you say something you can never take back. The stars say
so, they say that you should take it easy for awhile, maybe catch a movie
and avoid the highway for a spell.

Gemini May 21-June 21

Dear twin, the prettiest in the zodiac. The stars say that this is an
excellent month for romance. Wear that little, black party dress, update
your MySpace web site, have one more glass of wine and party like it’s 1999!
Lucky number, 14.

Cancer June 22-July 22

Dear crab, my little, misunderstood pet of the zodiac. This is a good month
for you to come out of your shell. Ha-ha, get it? Come out of your shell?
Crab, the stars are telling me that you need to see the humour in life, not
everything is grim, you’re not actually named after a horrible disease or
have to live your life blindly crawling along the bottom of a cold and deep
ocean. Lighten up! Have a drink! Avoid hobos!

Leo July 23-August 22

Dear lion, just because someone in your life is feeling very judgmental and
pious, it doesn’t mean you have to stand there and take it. Not this month.
Leo, I ask you to roar, you tell that person to step down to get off their
high horse, or you’ll take the horse down yourself.

Virgo August 23-September 22

Dear virgin, the pure heart of the zodiac. This month, I ask for you to
recognize that creativity emerges from conflict and opposition. What you
think is problem right now is actually a golden opportunity!

Libra September 23-October 22

Dear libra, the sign of my ex. This month will be more of the same. As
usual, you will say that you are going to do something, and then you won’t.
You will continue to have trouble communicating, you won’t respond to the
e-mails people send you and you won’t start to get into shape. There you
have it. It is written in the stars.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21

Dear scorpion, you should look at this month as if it were the start of a
new school year. Ask your mother what you should wear, suck up to those in
authority and seek out those you think are cool, betraying those you suspect
are not. Trust me, this strategy will work.

Sagittarius November 22-December 21

Dear centaur, did you know that Oprah Winfrey is also a Sagittarius? She is.
This month, you should try to be more like her and less like Doctor Phil.

Capricorn December 22-January 19

Dear combination goat-fish, normally you’re as articulate as Bill Clinton,
but lately you’ve been feeling more like a combination of Stockwell Day and
Dan Quayle. Capricorn, this is a good month to keep a low profile.

Aquarius January 20-February 18

Dear aquarius, sweet mermaid, you watch too much television, especially that
reality stuff. Read a book.

Pisces February 19-March 20

Dear piseces, the very fastest swimmer in the zodiac, this is an excellent
month for you. You must attend every party you’re invited to, even those you
haven’t been invited to! You’re as handsome as James Bond and as sexy as a
Marvin Gaye song! Oh, it’s going to be like frosh week! Let it ride this
month, bet it all on red! Stay away from cats, the stars say you might be
developing allergies.