Author: Michael Murray

Orkin Canada Home Office 5840 Falbourne Street Mississauga, ON L5R 4B5 August, 09. 2009 Orkin Pest Control: Well, I’ve been doing some research on your web site, and it looks like I have fruit flies. I have to ask you, is it common for them to disrespect you, or do I have a particularly aggressive,…

The following poem is comprised of a bunch of the Facebook status updates of my friends and I. Found Facebook Poem Michael is armed with pencils, apples and matches. Michael is saying it for the last time–Billie Jean is not my lover. Michael is a loose floorboard. Michael is going to write a history of…

Abagail Fitzpatrick 67 years old In my dream I was trying to return a Burberry umbrella that didn’t work. The store wasn’t very busy and there were all sorts of staff present, most of them young women with too much make-up on. They were ignoring me and I was getting angry. I got the attention…

On Friday night I went down to the Roger’s Center with a friend to watch the Blue Jays play the Orioles. I think my favourite part of the game took place in the sixth or seventh inning. It was at this point of the game that it was announced that “The World’s Fastest Grounds Crew”…

Celebrities such as Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Starr Jones, Wendel Clark and Amy Winehouse have all reported seeing UFO’s, as have two members of my Friends of Flying Saucers Club( FFSC). The existence of Flying Saucers and Extraterrestrials can no longer be considered in doubt. The FFSC, which I started in 2002, has been having…

All of the water pipes in our street are currently being replaced. This means there are construction workers everywhere, and so, when I took our dog out for her walk around noon, there were about a half a dozen of them arrayed on and around the end of our path leading to the sidewalk. Built…

For a whole variety of reasons, this summer has been shaping up to be a world of stress. Unfortunately, this has made increasingly irritable. This is a rough glimpse of my weekend: Irritant: For nearly two hours, while eating brunch in a tiny, yet expensive restaurant, Rachelle and I sat next to a table of…

Rachelle seems to think that watching me fire up the barbeque is pretty much the height of entertainment. Oh, the hilarity! Sometimes, when I’m busy igniting the thing, I’ll look back and catch her face, beaming with delighted expectation, from the window. A few years ago I had a little accident while lighting the barbeque,…

Upstairs, between BMV Books and the Subway restaurant on Bloor Street, there’s psychic studio. There’s a little sandwich board in front of the place, festooned with exotic and colourful figures from the zodiac, and there’s a few things stenciled onto the door leading up the place, but there’s not much else to make you want…