Author: Michael Murray

Yesterday, I went on three different rides at the CNE. 1) The Pharoah’s Fury This is the ride that has a big boat—that kind of looks like a banana– that swings from side to side on a huge mechanical arm. I was kind of nervous about this one, as, well, I’m a nervous person and…

Yesterday, while sitting at my desk, I failed to notice that the skies had grown dark. There was a crash of thunder, then the sound of wind blowing torrents of rain horizontal. A couple screamed with delight as they ran for shelter. The wind was immense, and I realized that the umbrella was still up…

On Wednesday nights, when I have to attend court ordered Anger Management Training, Rachelle has very conveniently scheduled her recreational league basketball games. No, this is not sweet and considerate of her, but intentionally exclusive and hurtful. She’s made it clear, in a subtle but unmistakable way, that she does not want me playing basketball…

As many of you have no doubt heard by now, I was assaulted by a criminal while on my neighbourhood security patrol the other day. With the help of Rachelle, I have created a Wanted Poster which I have now pinned up all up and down our street. If you see this woman, do not…

Ever since our upstairs neighbours were broken into, a culture of fear has gripped the block. “It’s our own 9/11,” the jittery tenant from the basement apartment whispered to me. It was clear that I was going to have to do something. As I’m a born leader, and because I have some free time on…

  I’ve been told that the owner of the Korean Village Restaurant on Bloor Street was a big soap opera star back home. She often serves as hostess, and always has a lot of make-up on her face, giving her a very pale appearance, as if she was some sort of Kabuki master. When she…

Yesterday, Rachelle and I went to look at a house in Leslieville. It was on a street called Craven, which I had never been to before. It’s a narrow, well-shaded street that’s lined on the west side by a ramshackle wooden fence that slopes toward the road. The fence, which did not look like it…

Hey there eight minute dating people: I am writing to you in regards to the function you’re hosting at Vineyards in Ottawa later this month for 30somethings looking for love. The first question I have– and I mean this very sincerely– is whether this event is lame or not. When I get there will I…

The other day, from out in the backyard, my dog began to bark as if she’d just spotted a team of squirrel ninjas making off with her supper bowl. As I am fearless, I charged out into the backyard to do battle with whatever forces might await me. You see, our upstairs neighbour had just…