Yesterday, I went on three different rides at the CNE.
1) The Pharoah’s Fury
This is the ride that has a big boat—that kind of looks like a banana– that swings from side to side on a huge mechanical arm. I was kind of nervous about this one, as, well, I’m a nervous person and it had probably been 20 years since I’d been to an Ex. Rachelle wanted me to sit in the last row, where the sensation of falling out of the boat and to your death was most acute, but I refused, instead sitting with our friend Julia in one of the middle rows that are reserved for children and heart patients.
I tried to play it cool, like I wasn’t scared at all, but Rachelle informed me the entire ride, I had a fake smile on my face that was so intense, that it actually strained my neck so that she could see every tendon and muscle quivering.
2) The Polar Express
This takes place on a short, luge-like track where a string of cars zip around backwards while bad music blares. Our friend Mark, while waiting in line, pronounced that he was not going to get on the ride while Nickleback was playing. He did.
The ride was ancient and ratty looking, like it had been around for 30 years. About eight employees in red shirts kept the crowd moving as quickly as possible. I asked one of them, the guy who had hands the size of tennis racquets, what time the rides shut down. He told me, “When the lights go out.” He was not trying to be clever. I took some relief in the fact that it was his job to rip the tickets in half.
The ride took about 90 seconds, and although it was not really very exhilarating or terrifying, it did manage to make feel like throwing up. As we staggered out of our car, guys in red shirts descended on us, shouting, “Go, Go, Go!!” They pointed and waved their arms furiously at the exits, as if they were firemen directing us to safety, rather than greedy carnies trying to squeeze every last cent out of the huge line-up.
3) The Haunted House
This ride took place in what looked to be couple of moving vans that had been welded together. Our car jerked and heaved, before eventually squeaking into the not-too-dark interior. The timing seemed to be off in there, because just a second or two or after we’d pass through an area, some startling sound would take place behind us. After about two minutes of this, our car crashed through the exit gate and into the humid night, the scent of Funnel Cakes heavy in the air.