BDSM

The Jian Ghomeshi sex storm is thundering and raining hard over the city of Toronto right now.

It’s a complicated and unresolved situation at this point, but in short, Ghomeshi, a popular radio personality in Canada, was fired from his job because his BDSM sexual proclivities– and the serious allegations stemming from them– were brought to the attention of his employers who decided, upon careful reflection, that they could no longer work with him as he damaged the brand. It is more intricate and terrible than just that, of course, and crisis management teams, wounded parties and insane lawsuits are now a part of the sex storm, but one thing that has happened with absolute certainty is that I now know way more about BDSM and the laws governing it than I ever imagined I would.

As I am a very adventurous and sensual person, I have suggested to my wife that we experiment with some BDSM in our life and she readily agreed. This is the BDSM Journal that I have been keeping.

Day 1

Submissive role: Rachelle

Dominant role: Me

 

Me: I DON’T WANT TO WATCH NASHVILLE TONIGHT!!

Rachelle: Pickle, I don’t think you’re supposed to yell, I think it’s more a tone thing.

Me: Oh.

Rachelle: Don’t worry. This is new for both of us, just try again.

Me: Okay.

Me: (Clears throat and delivers line sounding like Clint Eastwood) I don’t want to watch that damn Nashville tonight.

Rachelle: No honey, you sound like an old man

Me: Is that good? Does it turn you on?

Rachelle: No, not really. Let’s just watch Nashville, okay?

Grade of experience: 6 out of 10

Day 2

Dominant role: Rachelle

Submissive role: Me

 

Rachelle: We’re going to Ikea today to find some storage solutions and maybe a runner for the dining room table!

Me: I’m not feeling well.

Rachelle: OBEY ME, SLAVE!!

Me: Coldplay! Coldplay! Coldplay!

Rachelle: Honey, that’s not the safe word.

Me: I forgot it. What is it?

Rachelle: I’m not allowed to tell you. GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE GOING TO IKEA, MAGGOT FACE!

Me: Cold sore! Cold sore! Cold sore!

Rachelle; No, slave, that’s not it either! Put on your leash and get in the car, I COMMAND THEE!!

Me: Are we taking the dog with us?

Rachelle: YES!!

Grade of experience: 0 out of 10

Day 3

Dominant role: Me

Submissive role: Rachelle

 

Me: Please pass me the salad!

Rachelle: Yes, master.

Grade of experience: 9 out of 10

Day 4

 

Sadistic role: Rachelle

Masochistic role: Me

 

Rachelle: I have made bulgur for dinner tonight! It is an excellent source of fiber! Eat it now, worm!!

Me: I have been feeling a little clogged up lately. I deserve to be punished, master.

Rachelle: (Takes my glass of wine away)

Me: Hey! What the fuck???

Rachelle: You are forbidden from having any more wine this week! You drink too much and it’s bad for you, my cockroach!

Me: Cold war! Cold war! Cold war!

Rachelle: Pitiful fool, you’re not even close with the safe word! Teaches you for not listening to your master, now eat your bulgur!!

Me: Is there any Sriracha, at least?

Rachelle: NO! YOU FORGOT TO PICK UP AT THE GROCERY STORY! NOW, SILENCE! (puts on the soundtrack to Dirty Dancing)

Grade of experience: 0 out of 10