One thing about Charlie Sheen that hasn’t been getting an awful lot of attention recently is that he’s a huge baseball fan, having long been a participant in fantasy baseball leagues. Baseball is a passion of his, and for the last three years he’s been penning a fantasy baseball advice column over at the Scoresheet web site. It’s called Super Man Speaks, and this was the latest addition:
Q: Dear Mister Sheen:
You were awesome in the movie Major League! I loved your glasses and your unpredictable manner! So funny! Anyway, I was wondering if you thought if Michael Cuddyer might be a good sleeper pick this year?
Sitting on the Fence
Dear Sitting on the Fence:
Are you an Indian? That sounds like an Indian name to me.
Yeha-Noha, Yeah-Noha, Yeha-Noha!
I once fucked a Cherokee in a garbage can and it was very spiritual.
It would be an awful lot to expect of Cuddyer the same sort of year he gave fantasy owners back in 2009, but you should expect 20 HR’s and some positional flexibility that could be a big benefit come draft day. My Cherokee had positional flexibility and it proved TOTALLY FUCKING useful! And keep in mind the possibility that Cuddyer could become a bench player. Not like me. I’ve never been a bench player. I have one speed, I have one gear. GO!!
I got tiger blood in my veins, man, tiger blood!
Q: Does New York Yankee stalwart Derek Jeter have anything left? He’s turning 37 this year and his numbers seem to be slipping. I’m starting to think he’s no longer an elite shortstop.
Losing Faith
Dear Losing Faith:
Jeter’s numbers have fallen across the board, and his defense is so shoddy that he might eventually lose playing time. However, the Yankees signed him for three more years, so they seem committed to him, unlike the cowardly fuck drips at CBS who cancelled my awesome juggernaut Two And A Half Men.
And 37 is young, man! I’m 45 and I’m a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars! I win here, I win there. I never felt or looked better!
And keep in mind that Jeter is a dog. He’s banged Mariah Carey, Vanessa Minillo, Miss Universe, Jessica Biel, Minka Kelly and hundreds of others, so he’s still got a lot in the tank. Just like me. My brain fires in ways that might not be from this particular terrestrial realm. I’ve had sex with 40, 000 women. I’m not fair game. I’m not a soft target. It’s over. There’s a new sheriff in town. And he has an army of assassins.
However, Jeter is no more than a mid-round pick now. If you pick him earlier, your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.
Follow me at Twitter @charliesheen, bitches!!