As most of you know, I’ve been involved in a program in which inmates are paired with pen pals on the outside. I’d been corresponding with one who went by the moniker of Mother Trucker for several months and he turned out that he was a very bad man. Thinking that we were embarking on a collaborative moneymaking opportunity, I followed his instructions and went to nightclub in Boy’s Town where I was drugged and robbed of all my money. I wrote to the Chaplain who is in charge of the pen pal program to complain and received a letter back about Jesus, blah, blah, blah, not entering into business arrangements with pen pals, blah, blah, blah,and Satan, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, to make a long story short, I have a new pen pal, a man who goes by the pseudonym Innocent62.
This is my first letter to him.
Dear Innocent62:
Do you know an inmate who goes by Mother Trucker? He has a big tattoo of a flaming eagle on his chest and serves as a bath mate to members of the Aryan Nation. If you know him, I advise you to stay the **** away as he is a very, very bad man!! If he tells you he’s going to do you a favour, he is lying and he will likely stick a shiv right in your throat.
Hey, what exactly is a shiv anyway? Are they easy to make and do you have to hide them up your, you know, private area?
Speaking of private areas, do you get porn in prison?
You do know that Jessica Simpson is single now, right? That football player dude she was dating dumped her because she got fat, but then she lost all the weight and she’s smoking hot, so who do you think is sorry now?
Have you seen the new Star Trek movie?
Oh.
Probably not.
Anyway, when you get out, you should rent it. It rocks!
Stay well, Innocent62, and keep that chin up!
Your friend,
Clooney
PS: And whatever you do, stay away from Mother Trucker!