Dreams I’ve had since Rachelle and I have been trying to buy a home in Toronto.
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I am standing inside of a house that we really want to buy and then suddenly somebody comes up behind me and hits me in the head with a brick. There is blood everywhere and then money begins to fall from a hole in the ceiling that I hadn’t noticed before.
I am swimming in the ocean. It’s beautiful and I’m happy and then a Giant Squid wraps his tentacles around me and starts pulling me down into the deep, cold waters. I’m yelling for help, trying to get Rachelle’s attention, but she’s up on the deck of our boat, focused on a variety of paint chips she’s trying to choose from and unable to hear me.
Our real estate agent is bleeding on the street. Some roofing from one of the crumbling homes she has shown us has fallen upon her. She is only semi-conscious, her lips twitching just a little bit. I look over at Rachelle, and she nods back at me, and then we both start to kick her until we’ve put her out of her misery.
Rachelle and I are in our new dream home and friends are dropping by with compliments and beautiful bottles of wine. And then it’s the end of the world. God has decided. We all kneel down, hold hands and pray.
I am at a party and Natalie Portman approaches me.
“You’ve been working out,” she says.
I shrug, “ I lead an active lifestyle, I guess.”
“Do you like my perfume?” she asks.
“It smells like girl cookie dough,” I reply.
“I want you to live in my house. I want you to be my house.”
And then my cell phone rings. It’s Rachelle telling me that she’s just had a very informative and interesting conversation with our mortgage broker.
Rachelle and I are very excited, we’ve just made a bid on our dream home and think we have a real chance of getting it, as the offer was 300% over asking. We’re talking excitedly to our friends who casually say, “Oh, you mean the house in The Junction? Well, that’s the funniest thing, we bid 400% over asking!”
And then I can’t stop vomiting and all my teeth start to fall out.
Rachelle and I are looking at houses. It is our 27th of the day. I am in the basement of one house and it just keeps going on from one shitty room to the next. I can’t find my way out and I begin to scream for Rachelle, but all I hear is the thunder of the nearby train rolling down the tracks.
I am throwing handfuls of cash into the wind. All of my friends and family are coming up to me, begging me to stop, but I can’t.