This is a list of some of the excuses people gave us for not attending our last party, which was entirely awesome.
And our responses to those excuses.
Jessica Angerson—“ I will just be sooooo jet lagged from my flight in from B.A. that I am sure I will be nothing but a frightful bore amidst all your witty companions! ¡Tenga un gran rato!
Rebuttal: You’re a frightful bore. You think you’re hot but you are not hot. You sounds like a horse when you laugh and that story you always tell about falling off the dock in Greece is unbearably pretentious, as are you.
Fred Balantine: Sorry folks, but I have to run the Iron Man the next day and really need a good night’s sleep. I hope you have a rocking time!
Rebuttal: We really don’t care if you show up. You were to be background scenery so that the party looked well attended in the pictures we posted on Facebook. Hope you enjoy finishing 42, 948 in your race.
Marissa and Tony: We’re so sorry, but we have another engagement that night.
Rebuttal: Yes, we understand. No problem. We know how difficult and time consuming it can be to choose the right shade of white to paint that guest room of yours that nobody will ever stay in.
Parvinder Singh: Nothing would please me more than being at your party, but I have to attend a moronic work function.
Rebuttal: You’re a moronic work function.
Alistair and Stephen: It might sound picky and weird to you, but as we’re strict Vegans we find it difficult to be in your home on account of all the taxidermy. We think you’re great, but we simply cannot in good conscience spend time in an environment that we believe to be intrinsically wrong. Please don’t take this the wrong way, we love you!!!!
Rebuttal: Lev. 20:13, “If there is a man who lies with a male as those who lie with a woman, both of them have committed a detestable act; they shall surely be put to death. Their bloodguiltness is upon them”
Beth Aderson: Have another party to hit earlier in the evening, but if everything works out, will swing by after!
Rebuttal: Yes, and if everything works out you will also overcome your fear of overpasses and write that novel about “ a complicated kind of self-discovery” that you’ve been working on ever since you were fired from that advertising firm.
Joseph Daniels: My friends, nothing would give me greater pleasure than your companionship on this night, but I’m afraid that I have to build a prop box for our company’s play!
Rebuttal: Oh! You mean the box you’re building and are going to live in so that you don’t have to go outside and have a conversation with a girl, right? Joseph, I think you mean “closet,” not “box,” but no matter, I’m sure you know exactly what you’re doing as Jesus is your co-pilot.
Bogdan Liepens: I am sorry, but I must paint so to finish my gallery show and I am frightened of the ghosts so that live in your apartment home. So must respectfully say no.
Rebutall : Bogdan, you committed yourself to bringing the pot cookies! You have to attend, or at least make arrangements to have the cookies transferred! This is not Latvia! There is a rule of law here! You make the ghosts angry, and they have learned to take the streetcar! You can never be free of them!
Bridgette and Jordan: We’re so sorry to bail at the last minute, but the weather seems to have taken a turn for the worse so we think we’ll just stay home and watch a movie. We will miss your excellent food, which is always so tasty! Num-Num-Num!!
Rebuttal: Go fuck yourself. You are dead to us.