I received this email from my sincerely eccentric friend Wilson earlier in the day:
Michael:
I hope that this doesn’t sound weird, but over the weeks I’ve noticed your Facebook friend XXXXX. I think she’s gorgeous and she seems super smart and fun and I’d like to ask her out. Could you answer a few questions about her for me?
1. Does she like military reenactments?
2. Lennon or McCartney?
3. Have you had sex with her, and if so, can you tell me about it?
4. What does she do for a living?
5. What did she dress up for at Halloween?
6. Did she cry when the Chilean miners were rescued or was she just, you know, meh?
7. Does she like to receive unexpected gifts in the mail? (I have located her address.)
8. Does she like crossbow hunting?
Wilson
Dear Wilson:
Ah, you think you like yourself a little bit of the XXXXXX, do you?
Interesting.
Well, I don’t like to stand in the way of love, and so I will answer your questions as best I can and let fate lead you two where it may.
1. I do not know if she likes military reenactments, especially the Medieval ones that I know you’re such a fan of. My guess is that if given the choice between, say Yoga, and standing in a field in an uncomfortable bustier while a bunch of heavy, middle-aged men yelled at one another about where the catapult should go, I think she would choose Yoga.
2. She hates the Beatles, which I think would put her squarely in the Lennon camp. It is actually a point of fact that XXXXX doesn’t even like music, which she once described to me as “elitist.” Proceed with caution as she almost completed a Master’s Degree in English Literature and fancies herself, well, you know.
3. No, I never had sex with her, and if I might anticipate your follow-up question, I have not heard “anything” either.
4. She works in a pet food store, although she is writing a novel about a talented woman who has been subordinated by society and is forced to work in a pet food store. Several of the voices in her work are those of animals, and they speak in an animal language that she made up. I think she likes to write when she’s drunk.
5. A sexy cat with a gun.
6. Yes, she was very moved by the Chilean miners, so much so that she threw a party for the event. Each guest had to participate in a pool where they guessed the order of rescue. She served what she thought was Chilean food and dressed in what she thought was traditional Chilean clothing. There was a puppet show, and, of course, no music.
7. My guess is that she does like to receive unexpected gifts in the mail, but likely only from people she knows. Wilson, I would respectfully suggest that you just make a few comments on the remarks you’ve found her make on Facebook, and if some chemistry develops then you might want to request her friendship. From there, anything could happen, but until that point I think it would be a mistake to send her one of those military reenactment sweaters that you knit. Not that they’re not lovely, they are, and they’re even more beautiful than your hockey fight series, but still, I would just wait a bit.
8. XXXXX’s feelings about animals are quite strong, and in a positive way, so I am pretty sure she is opposed to crossbow hunting.
I hope this has been helpful.
Michael Murray