As many of you know I’m involved in numerous different fantasy baseball pools. This method of investment is the primary means by which I manage Rachelle and our retirement funds, and as such my success is very, very important. Sadly, this has been a very bad year and I just wanted to single out some of my biggest disappointments.
Ryan Theriot 2B St. Louis Cardinals
They call you “The Rhino” which really serves to illustrate just how stupid baseball players are. There is not one fucking thing that is Rhino-like in the way you play baseball. You’re weak and you don’t even run fast. You have one home run and four stolen bases. Can you do anything right? No, I don’t think that you can. You should be called “The Ant” or maybe “The Aunt.” I hate you and hope you get traded to the fucking moon.
Buster Posey C San Francisco Giants
Buster, you have the name of a ballplayer from the 19th century and weigh 220 pounds. You could be a goddamned circus strongman. You could anchor the tug of war team. You could sink a ship full of Vikings with just your manly glare. But Buster, you had to go and break your retarded ankle like some old lady. And now, because of you, Rachelle and I will never get to swim with Polar Bears as we have always dreamed. You’re an embarrassment
Brandon Lyon RP Houston Astros
Houston, we have a big fucking problem and his name is Brandon Lyon. Jerk-face, we were counting on you for 30 saves this year, but instead we got an 11.50 ERA and the detachment of a right bicep tendon, whatever that means. You’re a team killer, is what you are. Thanks for that. Your last name is a lie. You, in fact are a lie. Your last name should be Useless. Brandon Team-Killer Useless. I want you to go to hell.
Heidi, my dog
Due to you and all the attendant responsibilities that burden me in your care and maintenance, I’ve been unable to dedicate the necessary time to my fantasy baseball studies. Heidi, you have made the pack poor with your constant demands for food, treats, attention and walks. You are a very, very BAD DOG!
Stephen Drew SS Arizona Diamondbacks
I hardly know where to begin in telling you how much you suck. You suck from rooftops and from crop circles. You suck from the deepest trenches of the ocean and from the dinner table. You’re hopeless Stephen, and the fact that you broke your ankle after hitting only five home runs suggests you’re un-American, too. It’s the sort of thing an Italian would do. Hell, you would even ruin an all-girl prison movie, that’s how bad you are.