A friend of mine recently sent me an application to appear on the show Fearless in the Kitchen with Christine Cushing. I figured they were looking for charismatic and charming people, such as myself, to learn dangerous knife tricks in glamorous kitchens across the city, but no, that is not what the show is looking for. Instead, they’re looking for people who are incompetent in the kitchen and are interested in improving their skills. (It should be noted that my friend added, “ I know you have no interest in improving your skills, but I’m sure the producers would make an exception for you considering the almost charming depths of your ignorance, incompetence, and oddly, arrogance.”)
The application itself is long and involved, and requires a surprising number of rather risqué photographs of myself, so I’ve decided to just excerpt a few portions of it here.
PLEASE DESCRIBE 3 COOKING HORROR STORIES THAT YOU’VE EXPERIENCED.
1. I once made a creamy hamburger soup (with croutons that I made myself from Wonder Bread) that I took to a dinner party as an appetizer. All of the guests thought that it was a joke. Fearless in the Kitchen, it was not a joke. However, as I am cagey and quick on my feet, I pretended it was a joke, too, but I burned, Fearless in the Kitchen, I burned, vowing that one day I would have my revenge.
2. Rachelle, my lady who is all fancy in the kitchen, gave me the responsibility of preparing dinner once a week. It was to be called “Monday’s with Mike.” I made “breakfast for dinner” the first time, serving up some scrambled eggs, beans and Triscuits. Rachelle, after eating a few bites, claimed to have a particularly sore mouth canker and said she was unable to finish the meal, however, I saw her eating leftover chicken about an hour later. The next week I cooked a pot roast, enriching the broth with dried onion soup mix and Grand Marnier. “Monday’s with Mike” was consequently canceled and replaced with “Take-out Tuesday.”
3. As I am a very creative and charitable person, I bounced back after the humiliation of “Monday’s with Mike” and decided to embark on a program of making a new soup each week, which I would then give out to homeless people in the downtown area. As it turns out, many of the homeless have very bad taste in food. Sister Abagail, who works at the nearby mission, came to our door one night and asked me very politely to stop giving the homeless soup as it was giving them intestinal issues. She said “Although it is very sweet of you to want to help, it is clear that God has other plans for you than to be a soup chef.” Fearless in the Kitchen, I burned, once again, I burned.