Golden Globes 2012

Last night was the Golden Globes awards ceremony and as usual I’ve been asked to provide some of famously biting commentary on the red carpet fashions.

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As far as I’m concerned Madonna has never looked better! This is the best she’s looked in 25 years! Her outfit is refined, sophisticated and sexy, exactly the sort of complex ensemble you’d expect from a daring and confident icon! When I look into her eyes I see pride and courage. I see an eagle, a woman who is not afraid to soar or use her mighty talons or her cowering prey! Congratulations Madonna on your lifetime achievement award!!

Boo! Boo! Boo, Natalie Portman!!

I know you just had a baby and everything, but you look like the drapes in my grandmother’s bungalow! You’re a boring swan, Natalie, a very boring swan! And what is that black thing lying on the carpet in front of you? It looks like there might be some dental floss attached to it. A spider? My wife Rachelle thinks it’s a burst balloon, but I think there might be something more ominous to it, something foreshadowing the demise of your career.

This photograph of that Spanish actress from that show about a family is very curvy. As you can see, she has decided to wear blue, the national colour of Spain, which is a very classy homage to her native land and the birthplace of the inquisition. I think she looks a little bit artificial in this picture, that her breasts might be too big for her dress, her mouth too big for her face and that her hair would really hurt if she whipped it around in a Latin fury and caught you in the eye.

7 out of 10

Looking at him, it’s hard to believe that Colin Firth is in his 50’s. He still has that movie star glow and his self-deprecating wit never gets old! I also love the commitment he dedicates to his roles! Eschewing the conventional tux and dressing up in character as Gary Smith the goaltender-detective, for awards night was brilliant publicity for his new film and added a burst of vibrancy and hilarity to an event that was threatening to become predictable!

As always, Imelda Swinton dressed in a vivacious, shocking and ultimately stunning fashion! This lady, who owns more than 10, 000 pairs of shoes, is not just a major talent, but is a species unto herself! Tall, thin and blessed with alien eyes, she’s a sturdy reminder of what angels with disabilities might look like. When The Rapture comes, I want to be carried home by her!