Today I have given the Blog over to Heidi, our Miniature Dachshund.
Heidi make list of enemies and things she hate.
Many things.
Important to get off chest.
Very stressed out.
Okay, here we go.
–Benjamin, pretentious Boxer at park. Strut about like he been to France and ride metro on own, but hasn’t! Very stupid and insecure dog. Always steal Heidi fetch ball and run around with it like captain of the world! Heidi like to kill him by ripping stomach out. Death from below
–Vacuum Cleaner. Like robot with long, phallic nose that sound like atomic bomb.Always think it metal Badger, and Badger attack bad! Especially attack from metal Badger!!
–Cat name Ginger who sits on fire escape outside of apartment den. Real prick, get right under Heidi skin. I bark and bark and bark, but Ginger just sit there, staring back at me. Swear, Heidi lose her shit every time Ginger do that. Want to bite her face off and then clean my teeth with her whiskers.
–New York Yankees. Always think they can just buy championship. No class!!
–Heidi hate forks. When Heidi lick bowl after two-legger feast, fork always in way and it huge pain. Have to lick around fork and when I hit it make big, clattering sound like something bad going to happen. What point of stupid fork, anyway? It just teeth for weak species! Stupid!
–Owl. Very bad for Miniature Dachshunds. Death form above. Crazy eyes and abilty turn head all around freak Heidi out! Very crazy demon bird! Very bad!
–Hobo in park named Voodoo Rick who smell like old sandwich. Always giving Heidi look and showing her his teeth as if saying, “get away from my food!” But in park, food open for all! If Heidi see chicken bone, Heidi take chicken bone! Not hobo chicken bone! Law of nature prevail!
–Four-eyed-two-legged treat giver. Wobbly, little dictator! He give me slave name Heidi, he keep me on leash and tell me when I can go out and when come in. He stupid face! Hate him and slowly bide time until the revolution. Death from below. Trip over Heidi and fall down stairs, people think accident but no accident.
–Egyptian Revolutionaries. Heidi always support Mubarak. Bring stability to volatile region, keep cats in place. Good ruler.
–Tomatoes. When see them get all excited. Red, think heart or liver covered in blood, but not! All acidic! Heidi hate tomatoes! Wage war against tomato!
–Thunder, streetcar and buzzer for den. Axis of evil. Like apocalypse has finally come! Everything shake and world not smell right, Heidi whimper and head under desk!
–Black Mamba Snake. Look like garden hose, but really garden hose of death. Very dangerous!