When I was at the Shouldice Clinic getting my hernia repaired, I didn’t just lie about moaning and begging for drugs. The doctors and nurses are a bunch of stingy hard-asses there, the type of morons who say crap like “pain is just your body’s way of telling you to use it!” Right. At any rate, I guess it was their “philosophical” posture not to dispense any drugs, which quite frankly made the whole experience a bit of a drag. At first I thought I might persuade them to medicate me by moaning from my bed, but this proved an ineffective strategy, as Orenthall, my roommate from Scarborough, limped over to me and very quietly, but with ringing authority, said, “Bitch, if you don’t shut your damn mouth, I’m going to sew it shut using a motherfucking coat hanger.”
Well, when life gives you lemons, you just have to make lemonade, and so instead of wasting time and getting my mouth sewn shut with a coat hanger, I limped off as quickly as I could and began to work on a pilot I’m writing for TV.
It’s called HERNIAMAGGEDON, and it’s about a charming writer—Michael Steele– who goes to a prestigious hernia clinic in order to get a surgical repair. However, unknown to him, an important political leader is also at the clinic. As a result of this, terrorists have infiltrated the facility, looking to assassinate the political leader and detonate a dirty bomb full of the swine flu. Our writer, because he’s very perceptive, uncovers the plot, but none of the bitch nurses or stuck-up doctors will believe him because they think “he has addiction issues and is a little crazy” and so he is obliged to foil the plot and save the politician and city on his own. He does this with the help of his street smart black roommate, whose catch phrase is “I’ll sew him up with a coat hanger” and a vulnerable and sexy Russian doctor who works in the cafeteria because she isn’t certified to practice in North America.
Think Die Hard only with groin pain.
24 with a limp.
Brett Michaels from Rock of Love, has expressed some interest in starring in the project.
A scene from the pilot episode of HERNIAMAGGEDON will appear shortly.