Earlier in the day a friend sent me this notification that Vice Magazine was looking for an intern:
Do you live in Toronto? Are you not dumb? Can you write? If you can answer YES to all of these questions, you can be our intern.
Send your resume to: internscanada@vice.com
As I admire Vice Magazine and have always wanted to be an intern I responded to their post.
January 30, 2012
Dear Vice Magazine:
I will make your dreams come true.
Yes, I am just that kind of intern.
Think Antonio Banderas.
Think Britney Spears.
Let your imagination run riot.
I’m just that kind of intern.
However, I should tell you right up front that I won’t be sending you any sort of resume. I don’t believe in them. I think that they’re old fashioned and full of lies. If resumes were people they would be slave owners and so by not sending you my resume all I’m really doing is refusing to answer to my slave name. Also, much of what I bring to the table is not very well represented by my “work experience.”
Let me tell you a little bit about myself. I am drawn to the supernatural and have spent a lot of time researching and pursing the Mothman creature of West Virginia. I am also interested in Bigfoot and Unidentified Flying Objects. I am including a drawing I did of Mothman last summer while on a vacation/research excursion to West Virginia with my wife.
I think it’s very interesting that there are such obvious visual similarities between the Mothman and the angels in ancient Christian texts.
Although I don’t yet have my driver’s license (I am very close, Alpas, my instructor says I have a good feel for the road.), I do live in downtown Toronto and am familiar with public transit. In fact, I like taking the subway. I think it’s fun, like going on a ride at the CNE. If I were in charge of that ride (I worked at the Ex in Ottawa for three summers during a bad stretch in my 30’s) I would call it The Tunnel of Boredom and Sticky Things. I should also let you know that I’m pretty smart, just so long as I don’t have to explain or perform any numeric, mechanical or mnemonic feats. I’m very honest and can work quickly if my back is up against the wall.
If anyone at the office needs any help in their fantasy sports teams, well, I am their intern! I have extensive connections within the gambling community and for three years running, my fantasy baseball team– The Jesus Cobras– has finished in the money.
I have excellent writing skills and my favourite movie is The Mothman Prophecies.
I am good at Ping Pong, walking small dogs and am actually quite wealthy.
I look forward to working with you guys! (and girls!)
Michael Murray
PS: I have no racist tattoos.