About a month ago, I wrote a letter to Alec Baldwin on behalf of my friend Shelagh Corbett. She was traveling to New Jersey to attend a court date (stemming from an incident at a nightclub on the Jersey Shore in the summer), and was hoping to get into Manhattan for a couple of nights, and was wondering if I might be able to help facilitate a date with Alec Baldwin, who has been a fantasy figure of hers ever since his recurring role on the 80’s TV show Knots Landing.
Sadly, I did not hear back from Mr. Baldwin before Shelagh’s trip, and so they never got to meet. However, today I was lucky enough to receive a response to my letter from Mr. Baldwin.
Dear Mister Murray:
I want to thank you very much for the letter you sent on your friend Shelagh’s behalf. She sounds like a very special and brave person. However, as I am a big star with many sexual opportunities, I am a very busy man, and rarely have time for non-publicized charity activities.
I do want to take a moment to express just how impressed I was by the letter you wrote. Michael, it was persuasive and sincere, expressing a great depth of feeling without being sentimental. As an actor, I want you to know that I would have been honored to get to speak those words. I also read your Blog, and it is one of the most remarkable documents I have ever come across in my life. Michael, it is brilliant and moving, funny and penetrating, and I want you to know that I need your agile mind to become a part of Team Baldwin.
I am presently working on a project to be called The Tiger Woods Story: A Life in the Sand Trap. I am to play Tiger Woods, in what I hope will be a career-defining role. I don’t want to give too much away, but I’m planning on playing Tiger Woods in black face.
I am also working with Susan Boyle (from the British American Idol) on a musical comedy, where she plays a frumpy, middle-aged spinster, who is encouraged to follow her dreams and become a singer by the spirit of her deceased grandfather, a Vaudeville performer named Red O’ Boyle, played by myself, Alec Baldwin.
Michael, I would be over the moon if you could help me flesh out these ideas. Together, I think we could make some of the best art this century has ever seen. Please come to New York so that we can have a meeting.
I will send a jet for you at your convenience, and I can promise you many sexual opportunities.
Oscar nominated actor,
Alec Baldwin
PS: I want you to know that I might be interested in developing the story of The Jesus Cobras, and the gripping story of the abduction of Mr. Peanut, into stop-motion animation feature films.