On Friday, a small asteroid imaginatively named “The Bammer” passed about 7,500 miles from planet earth. This is roughly the distance between Toronto and some point in the southernmost reaches of Africa. Now this might seem pretty far away, but when you consider things in the vast reaches of eternity– in Space Terms– well, it was actually very, very, very close.
With this in mind, I have decided to live my life in Space Terms.
Allow me to provide some examples:
Rachelle: “ Hey, did you get that job as a columnist at The National Post?”
Me: “Oh, honey, I was just so close!”
Rachelle: “How are things going with your personal trainer, is he happy with the progress you’re making?”
Me: “ Yes! He said that I’m very close to reaching all the goals we set out!”
My sister: “Hey, have you finished that book I leant you on learning to be a better person?’
Me: “ I am very, very close to finishing that book.”
Nick: “ That house you bid on, did you get it?”
Me: “ Oh, we were within a micro-inch, but we just missed out!”
In Space Terms I came very close to becoming the Ottawa Junior High Long Jump champion, and I practically went to the prom with Marie-Therese Vitzthum. In Space Terms, my Science Fiction trilogy, Planet of the Squirrels, is being seriously considered by some of the finest publishing houses in North America.
Whenever I find myself unduly criticized for something I might not have accomplished or quite finished, I now cover my ears and just start yelling, “ Space Terms, Space Terms, Space Terms!!”
My new motto, I’m going to get the phrase tattooed on my forearm.
Only I am going to do it in Latin, so it looks classy.
Tractus Sceptrum.
And maybe fringed with some barbed wire so people know that I’m dangerous.
Because I am.
Dangerous like a rock.
A space rock.